Same yet different.

My flight has been announced delay. I guess it should be some mechanical problems with the plane. Whatever it is, thank God for the discovery. This thing can be fatal if gone through undiscovered.

Well I am still in the terminal. looking out to the glass in front of me, I was reminded the same place I use to be at the last two weeks. Is funny how a same place I used to be and I am now at can be total 2 different feelings and emotions. I still remembered last two weeks when I arrived at the terminal. I was so overwhelming with excitement of reaching at the airport. I do not know where am I heading next and pile up with multi-choices of ways to get to my next 'not-yet-decide-place', yet I am still feeling easy. Everything looks wonderful even with all the thinking I need to do. My luggage was delayed but it does not bother me at all. All I can think of is the joy and peace of coming back to this land.

Now I am here. The same place I use to be. I can't find myself anything to be overwhelmed. My emotions are mixed-up. The mental and physical burden is back now. Nothing in my mind that sounded nice to me. Everything is like a mess. With the delay, I felt worse now. All I can think of now is how to overcome the coming 2months+.

God I pray to you that towards my coming 2months I may find strength in you to carry on. May you pour out the blessing and peace into my heart in everything I do. Thank you Lord.

The greatest gift from my Mom

It is the second Chinese New Year I did not get to celebrate with my Mom. Everytime I see my uncles and aunties sharing and laughing together, it reminds me of her. Is like missing someone in the picture of the family. Still remember how she wait for me back from friends house late at night during Chinese New Year. If anyone in my family found it unpleasant for my late return she will step out and defend for me. She will stay in my room and ask me hows my day, angpow collection good or not and chat up with me the whole night. Now when I come back late during Chinese New Year, everyone is asleep. I guess if I die outside or did make it back home also no one will realize.
"I miss you alot, Mummy for this Chinese New Year".

Today when I was attending my girlfriend's grandma birthday dinner, I can see the enjoyment of her family. Everyone sitting next to their beloved mother and laughing with each other. Her grandma was so happy on the stage accompany by all of her sons, daughters, grandson and granddaughters. During that moment out of sudden my teardrops flowing out from my eye. I am not sad or happy. I just imagine on something that me and my mom cannot share anymore. She will never get to celebrate her birthday anymore with me. "I am sorry Mummy for being unable to give u this moment of joy in your life before".

Today I was reminded by God on the greatest gift I have ever received. Two years back, I was 21st years old. In the cultural of mine, whenever a son or a daughter reaches 21 years-old, parent will give them a necklace or something significant as the sign of reaching maturity and adult. I still remember a moment during my semester break (about two months after my 21st birthday), my mom came and apologized to me because she fail to give me something during my 21st birthday. She cried and said that she is sorry for not making my 21st birthday something special in my life. That time I told her," Is ok. You already gave me the best of everything you had. " Necklace or no necklace you already made my life special. At the end of the conversation I still can sense the sadness in her. Then about two months later, she passed away. The day before moment she passed away, she speak to me through the phone with the last few words, "Dun worry boy, Mummy is ok". Today, my mom has gave me one of the greatest gift that I could ever ask for, a life. The death of her has lead me back to God. My mom has introduced God and Jesus Christ back into my life. She maybe failling in giving me something for my 21st birthday, but she has died to give me everything for the rest of my life. About 8 months after her death, I was baptized. I was blessed and found the true meaning of life. "Mummy, God has promised me that one day we will meet again. For mean time I will keep on growing spritually and this gift you have given to me I will used to bring glory to the God".

*If one I was called by God to step into politics, my manifesto will be bringing glory to God.

What should I do and how should I do it?

Is funny sometime when people come to you telling you what to do and how to do on certain things. The way they put it on is like, if I'm not do it according the way they suggest failure is my only option. Nevertheless thanks for the concern.

It really does not bother me when things come as an advice to me as an alternative of improvement. I always welcome if people want to advise me. But what really make me can't find myself tolerate with, is when people trying to define me using another standard of another person. Is like every thing I'm about to do or I've done is bonded to this "human-made life marking scheme". I admit sometime I'm kinda rebellious in the sense of obeying the rules but to follow another standard by others is a definite rebellion. Just because others have done in this way, it doesn't obligates me to do it the same way. I am who I am and the only person who defines me is my creator, God. If others standard is to be used as the standard, life will be screwed up because people tend to live in the life that was never meant for them. If machines created by human is define uniquely by it purposes, don't you think human, one of the greatest creations by God is also define uniquely?

Why some people so bother about what happen in others life when the his or her is also a mess?

Matthew 7:3-4
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"

There is a story, when a guy AB and a girl CD first start a relationship, many of CD's friends came and warned AB to treat CD nicely, be serious in relationship and all the 'friends-would-say's warning to CD. As time goes by after 4 years, AB and CD still in relationship. But among their friends, many come-and-go relationships have happened. Is not that I am angry or what, but my point is be sure that the same measure you used on others apply to you too. So my advice, do not judged. For we do not know what tomorrow holds but we know who hold tomorrow, God.

Most of people I knew always inquire about how I treat my girlfriend. They sometime so concern about things that I did not do which by right every guy should do to a girl. Anyway this does bother me at all. How I treat her is bounded in our relationship. I do things for her is merely for her, not for anyone to see. I need not to announce everything I'm about to do to show the world how much I love and care for her. I have my own plan and way. It is same as the way I honour God. Few days ago, a friend of mine, ask me "Why I did not see you pray before you eat". Deep inside my heart I have only one answer, I pray to God is for God not for you to see. The same thing applies here. The direction of the heart matter the most. If we live so much on pleasing others, the real essence of relationship is no longer there.

Do not come and tell me what to do. You might have experience in dealing certain relationships, but when it comes to mine, I run my own show in my own way. For my standard is not u but me. Even worst is, some who never in relationship before also try to comment on me. Seriously asking, how good are u in handling relationship? If anyone out there think they are really great, my suggestion come and have a piece of my life then only tell me what to do.

Our life should not be define by others but God himself. Call me crazy or insane in trusting God but I tell you, I am still strong throughout the circumstances of my life till today is because of God.

The word "Ayah". I love this joke

A man came home from work and his children ran to him and called out ‘Ayah! Ayah!’.

His neighbor got very upset and said to him, “Can you please tell your children not to call you ‘Ayah’?”

The man asked, “Why?”

The neighbor retorted, “Because my children call me ’Ayah’ too. They might get confused and mistake you to be their father.”

Then the man told his neighbour, are you not ashamed to say that your children do not know who is their 'Ayah'. So you are saying by using the word 'Ayah' ,your children will call me ayah too without knowing who is their father?

The neighbour said yes,only my children should use the word 'Ayah'.

The man said, then there is something wrong in what you are teaching your children.They are not sure and do not know who their 'Ayah' is !!

Alone, Lonely, and Loneliness???

“Ray why you alone?”, “Why so lonely Raymond?”, “Do you know that you looks very lonely, Raymond”. Almost everywhere I went, I cannot help myself being asked by people around me for being lonely and alone sometime. Now I am staying in the campus hostel. Most of my friends are now at their respective hometown having their holiday. For some are staying outside together. My roommates himself also packed with activities and seldom see him in room. Really can sense the scent of loneliness around me now. Am I really a loner? I’ve been pondering on this matter also. Is not that I am not happy or sad, but of coz being lonely is not something I really enjoy.

So when I start pondering about why I am such a loner, I begin to look back at my life. Ever since I was born, I lived with my mother. I stayed under a same house with my mother, younger brother, and both my grandpa and grandma (parents of my mother). I only see my father once in a year because he works in Sabah. Things stay the same until the death of my grandpa. After he passed away, my grandma moves to KL and stays with my uncle. My grandpa passed away when I was 14. From that moment onwards, my home left only my mother, my brother and me. My mom worked as a nurse in private clinic. She works from morning till night. I only get to see her during night time. My brother and I have different school sessions. Whenever I am in the morning session, he will be in the afternoon session. So every day in my life, there is an interval of time myself being alone. Most of the time, I have to settle my own lunch and stayed alone in house. This is when I started to have loneliness in my life. I still remembered when I was form 5, my mom had a bad sick. She has to be sent to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) for a treatment and stayed in ward for about a month. My brother and I will take turn to look after and stay with her at there. Throughout that moment, whenever I was at home, I was alone. My father left my family when I was 18 years old. Then my mom passed away last year.

If you ask me when was the last time I have dinner or a meal with my family, I can hardly answer to this simple question also. Sometime looking at my friends around me, whenever they said “I got dinner with my parents” or “I am going vacation with my family”, and looking at myself back, I felt so pathetic of myself. I used to be very happy and hyper-excited whenever there is a break in my studies. Thinking of going back home and rest under the care of my mom was something very comfortable. She will tidy up my room, clean up the house and filled up the fridge with a lot of foods (in case I am hungry when she is at work). Being welcome home and long awaited by your mother to be back is such a wonderful feeling. But now, whenever comes the semester break, I lost the sense of excitement. My mom was no longer there to wait for me at home. Whenever my brother went to work, is all me being alone again. There is no difference anymore between my home and my place at hostel. Either of it, I can’t run away from loneliness. My mom used to be the one I always depend on whenever problem occurred. But without her by my side anymore, I can only find peace in myself when I was alone.

Sometime it really irritates me when someone calls me a social outcast for my tendency being alone. I do not blame you, if you are someone that roughly knew me but what makes me sad the most is when the “someone” is my friend that knew my family background. Is not that I want to be lonely or exhibit the loner characteristics in me but I just being myself. I just want to do what I felt comfortable at. Is just like, for some people, they can’t drive while wearing shoes. Is not that they are weird but is just the nature of them of finding comfort of doing something. I still hang out and making jokes around. Is just that sometime when come to certain activities that I am not into it, I just prefer to go back and relax. Try to ask me for football game and see, did I ever being a loner in it? Well, just because I prefer to do something I want or respond to something that I do not like, does it makes me a social outcast? If yeah, how about you come to have a little taste of my life and tell me how you felt? I am not angry or what, but I just expect a little more of understanding. I often heard from people around me telling me how lonely they and expecting something more. Seriously I do not know what to say when come to this. All I can say is, be grateful on what you had. There are others also having the same problem and misery as you do. The only difference is that, for some they choose to face with more optimist approach.

While I pondering on this matter, I came across a question, why sometime God allow loneliness to happen in my life? I used to constantly find reasons to blame on someone even God, on things that happen in my life. I am angry why He allowed sadness and loneliness in my life. But come to think about it, because of all these things that are happened, is how I get to know Jesus Christ and draw closer to Him. God allows loneliness to happen because sometime God want us to remember Him. He also wants us to know that, He is there always by our side no matter where we are. He offers us a chance to share with Him our miseries and problems through loneliness. Be frankly, how many of us will remember and think of God whenever we are having happily joyful moment? Of coz God does not want us to remain in the state of loneliness. He wants us to do fellowship and socializing with others. Is just, that He just wants to take a small fraction of our time to allow His words and present to inspire us.

The words of God are the reason why I am still strong to live on with my life. I know I can’t escape from sadness and loneliness. So instead of finding a reason to blame on, why don’t I take this moment to listen to His words and let His words motivate on me. I once went to a sermon given by Pastor Kong Hee in Kota Kinabalu. He said this “Do not focus on the problem itself but focus and remember the promises of God”, which I find it very true. The promises of God are the solution to all the problems.

The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”, Jesus said. John 14:18

“Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age”, Jesus said. Matthew 28:20