Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Alone, Lonely, and Loneliness???

“Ray why you alone?”, “Why so lonely Raymond?”, “Do you know that you looks very lonely, Raymond”. Almost everywhere I went, I cannot help myself being asked by people around me for being lonely and alone sometime. Now I am staying in the campus hostel. Most of my friends are now at their respective hometown having their holiday. For some are staying outside together. My roommates himself also packed with activities and seldom see him in room. Really can sense the scent of loneliness around me now. Am I really a loner? I’ve been pondering on this matter also. Is not that I am not happy or sad, but of coz being lonely is not something I really enjoy.

So when I start pondering about why I am such a loner, I begin to look back at my life. Ever since I was born, I lived with my mother. I stayed under a same house with my mother, younger brother, and both my grandpa and grandma (parents of my mother). I only see my father once in a year because he works in Sabah. Things stay the same until the death of my grandpa. After he passed away, my grandma moves to KL and stays with my uncle. My grandpa passed away when I was 14. From that moment onwards, my home left only my mother, my brother and me. My mom worked as a nurse in private clinic. She works from morning till night. I only get to see her during night time. My brother and I have different school sessions. Whenever I am in the morning session, he will be in the afternoon session. So every day in my life, there is an interval of time myself being alone. Most of the time, I have to settle my own lunch and stayed alone in house. This is when I started to have loneliness in my life. I still remembered when I was form 5, my mom had a bad sick. She has to be sent to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) for a treatment and stayed in ward for about a month. My brother and I will take turn to look after and stay with her at there. Throughout that moment, whenever I was at home, I was alone. My father left my family when I was 18 years old. Then my mom passed away last year.

If you ask me when was the last time I have dinner or a meal with my family, I can hardly answer to this simple question also. Sometime looking at my friends around me, whenever they said “I got dinner with my parents” or “I am going vacation with my family”, and looking at myself back, I felt so pathetic of myself. I used to be very happy and hyper-excited whenever there is a break in my studies. Thinking of going back home and rest under the care of my mom was something very comfortable. She will tidy up my room, clean up the house and filled up the fridge with a lot of foods (in case I am hungry when she is at work). Being welcome home and long awaited by your mother to be back is such a wonderful feeling. But now, whenever comes the semester break, I lost the sense of excitement. My mom was no longer there to wait for me at home. Whenever my brother went to work, is all me being alone again. There is no difference anymore between my home and my place at hostel. Either of it, I can’t run away from loneliness. My mom used to be the one I always depend on whenever problem occurred. But without her by my side anymore, I can only find peace in myself when I was alone.

Sometime it really irritates me when someone calls me a social outcast for my tendency being alone. I do not blame you, if you are someone that roughly knew me but what makes me sad the most is when the “someone” is my friend that knew my family background. Is not that I want to be lonely or exhibit the loner characteristics in me but I just being myself. I just want to do what I felt comfortable at. Is just like, for some people, they can’t drive while wearing shoes. Is not that they are weird but is just the nature of them of finding comfort of doing something. I still hang out and making jokes around. Is just that sometime when come to certain activities that I am not into it, I just prefer to go back and relax. Try to ask me for football game and see, did I ever being a loner in it? Well, just because I prefer to do something I want or respond to something that I do not like, does it makes me a social outcast? If yeah, how about you come to have a little taste of my life and tell me how you felt? I am not angry or what, but I just expect a little more of understanding. I often heard from people around me telling me how lonely they and expecting something more. Seriously I do not know what to say when come to this. All I can say is, be grateful on what you had. There are others also having the same problem and misery as you do. The only difference is that, for some they choose to face with more optimist approach.

While I pondering on this matter, I came across a question, why sometime God allow loneliness to happen in my life? I used to constantly find reasons to blame on someone even God, on things that happen in my life. I am angry why He allowed sadness and loneliness in my life. But come to think about it, because of all these things that are happened, is how I get to know Jesus Christ and draw closer to Him. God allows loneliness to happen because sometime God want us to remember Him. He also wants us to know that, He is there always by our side no matter where we are. He offers us a chance to share with Him our miseries and problems through loneliness. Be frankly, how many of us will remember and think of God whenever we are having happily joyful moment? Of coz God does not want us to remain in the state of loneliness. He wants us to do fellowship and socializing with others. Is just, that He just wants to take a small fraction of our time to allow His words and present to inspire us.

The words of God are the reason why I am still strong to live on with my life. I know I can’t escape from sadness and loneliness. So instead of finding a reason to blame on, why don’t I take this moment to listen to His words and let His words motivate on me. I once went to a sermon given by Pastor Kong Hee in Kota Kinabalu. He said this “Do not focus on the problem itself but focus and remember the promises of God”, which I find it very true. The promises of God are the solution to all the problems.

The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”, Jesus said. John 14:18

“Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age”, Jesus said. Matthew 28:20