Sunday, June 21, 2009

To my Dad

Happy Father's Day? This day was never in my life anymore.Ever since 2005 i did not see u anymore. I don't know why u rather let your pride and your anger to take over you than the love of our family. Why you have to make everything seems like no way back? Why our family have to go until this way? Is this what you want? You know how I felt when I have to witness my own father left us and my mother passed away. You don't know. Not even a moment in your life.

At that moment I know everything seems like going against us. You got stroke. Mom got heart disease. We faced financial difficulties. But why we can't we stay together and overcome it together. Mom never gave up. She knew she is sick but yet she never gives up on brother and me. Yet she still love all of us with all her heart. She went to work to support the family. She is tired but yet the smile on her face will always be there. But why U have to be so irrational. Why everything that happened u need something or someone to be blamed? In our family you are the eldest, the one with the most taste of life but why u never be the example to us. I still remembered what happened the night before you left us. You, mom and brother went for supper. I was sleeping because I got class the next day. Early in the morning, about 3am I heard noises someone yelling and drove away the car. I awake ask mom what happened and she told me your father was angry with your brother because he did not want to eat vegetable. I say WHAT? After a week, it was Chinese New Year. It was the first day of Chinese New Year. I went to find you and beg you to come back to us. Forget everything and start all over again. No one to be sad in the first day of CNY. But yet you are so stubborn. U never want to listen. You just want to make everyone to have a gloomy CNY. I tell u i was really sad that time. The first time ever in my life I celebrated CNY without my both parent together with me.
A week later, I was in friend's house. Out of sudden I received a call from brother that you were back into home and beat mom. I rushed go back and I saw you holding helmet. I go in without hesitation push you away and take a knife chased you out from the house. I knew you are angry with me because I was acting disrespect to you and push you. But let me tell you this, in my whole life that time i will never ever tolerate anyone who hurts mom. Not even you Dad. You are a man. You are hurting a sick woman. And she is your wife. No doubt being rude to a father is wrong but hurting my mom never makes you my father. I did felt sorry for my act that night but i still cannot accept the fact that you hit mom. You said there was a guy outside the house and accused mom having affair with him. I told you already I knew that guy and his been the friend of mom, brother and me. You completely out of your mind already that time. You even accused mom having affair with uncle just because he was there to stop you from beating mom.

You asked me why I sided on mom and never on you. Is not about which side i support but is the fact you are wrong. First, no matter how righteous and innocent you are but once you beat mom i cannot tolerate. Secondly, from beginning till end is only you are the one who acting unreasonable. How u expect me to sided on you. Thirdly, if i really sided on mom is also a decision of me to make. From the day I was born, I was raised by mom and her family side. You also knew how troublesome your siblings and grandma, the mother of you. Always giving hard days to mom. I never ever tasted even a single molecule of love from the truly CHOW family of mine though I am CHOW too. But it never bother my mind at all because I knew my mom loves me more than anyone she ever do. Give me a reason for me to stand on your side please. I was born with CHOW surname but I was raised by the LEE. What i knew about my CHOW family is anger and hatred. But I was educated by LEE. This is where i received love.

You accused mom having affair. You say people told u many shits about mom. Let me ask u this Mr Chow Kar Eng, Are you rather listen to those outsider than your wife and both of your son.? You say u never believe in them but why you still accused mom. Why the things you say and the things you do is not the same? Ask yourself who is truly love you and your family? Are those outsider or us? Ask yourself also how many affair and disloyalty you've been having during that time you at Sabah. Even till one day when I was kid U brought the woman back. Don't give me excuses of all these shits. I have my eyes to see and my brain to think what you did. But does Mom ever leave you and the family. Think la old men. I really pissed off when i have to come to think about this.

After so many things happened, Mom really disappointed on you. She is sad I can tell you this. But yet you still trying to give her hard time from time-time. Threatened her. Make her scared of you. Let me tell you this in case you don't know. Mom never scared of you hurting her. She just worried about both of brother and me. The main reason she afraid to divorce with you is because she worried you might bring your anger to both of her sons. She is sick but yet she have to live in the worries. Not because of herself but her son. That time I just finished my form 6 . I told Mom that time I might not get offer to further my studies. She ask me to find college and enroll first. Just in case if did not get any offer. You Chow Kar Eng, u know how burdened to support a son to study in college with salary around RM800 monthly. But she did not complaint or say no to me. But Thank God I got offer from local university. She was so proud and try her best to get me there. Where are you that time? Every expenditure from sending me to college, buying my university's necessity, air flight tickets and everything she try her best and gave it to me. Any single cent from you? Any single encouragement from you? You still call yourself a father of mine?

When I was in University, one night mom called up me and told that u came. She said she dare not to let you in. Then after a few days later u called up me and said that the wife of you did not let her very own husband go into house. I tell you this. Is my idea to ask her do not let you in. She is just a woman. U hurt her once. You still expect her to let u come near. Then you start to threatened me to all those out of mind things. You say you will hurt her or maybe even killed her if have to. Whats the point of you saying those things? Trying to show us that you are a strong man. That time I told you wait me come back and have a talk in a nice way. I just do not want you to do anything to mom and brother. But u still threatened us. I really just pray nothing will happened.

But now and forever I would not have my family back again already. Because Mom has left us. The one that I loved and loved me the most is no longer with me. She had suffer alot. She had to suffer with he sick and look after me and brother. And you from time time keep on bringing her fear and worries. WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT MR CHOW KAR ENG!!!! She died because she is too sad of you. During her funeral you never even came and her pay her last respect. SHE IS YOUR WIFE. Where are you that time? You told aunty that you are sad. Why you sad? Why u try to kill her and on the other hand you are sad? WHY!!! Now thanks to you I will never have parent for Chinese New Year celebration for the rest of my life.

Every single expenditure of Mom's funeral is from Mom's siblings. You never spent a cent also. You know how hard is that time for me.
I was in my second year. I have my own financial instability for my studies. Then i have to come back and handle my mom's funeral. Did i ever ask from you? But Mom left her EPF and her savings for both of us brother. Before even she passed away, she got told me that the EPF savings has named me and brother as the beneficiaries. Because she insisted those money is for us in the future. But when we went and checked the system said no naming has be done yet. Mom's death has already left you with the benefits from SOCSO where you can receive RM 300 over every month till you die. I am not entitled to get this because i already over 21 years old. brother can only receive rm 100 something every month before he reach 21 years old. What else do you want? All of these things you get just because she haven't divorce with you in black and white. I never even question or try to stop you having those benefits. But deep inside your heart Mr Chow Kar Eng ask yourself, do you really have the right on those money? But why you have to create so many difficulties to me. Now I need to do is to get those money in Mom's EPF and savings out. And i need you to sign a document for me. Just like that. Once i collected the money I will still divide a portion of it to u because you are entitled to it legally. You promised you will but now u say dun wan to sign anymore. You blamed me go and do the procedure and written a letter in front of the Commissioner of Oath without your permission. First of all why do i need to get your permission. This is mom belongings is not yours. Who the hell you think you are? Secondly everything i written in the letter of the Commission of Oath is true. Indeed you really quarrel with mom and left family and did not contact us. I still got keep a copy of that letter. Come and read it out loud and i will testify every words inside of that letter with the truth. The savings is what Mom's last wishes on both of her sons. She want us to have that money because she knew that was the best she can ever gave to both of us brother. Every single expenditure of her funeral from the coffin and the land to buried her, everything is from the effort of me. You did not even spent a cent and now you wanna come and ask for your part. Are you still a man?

Every father in this world try to give their best for their son. They love their son more than anything. But I don't know why you will envy of your own son. You told me after mom death u did not get anything. How about those SOCSO benefits you get? WHAT DA HECK ARE YOU SAYING?!!!

That day you called up me and told me all the old stories. How mom did badly towards you. I am angry but yet still stay calm. I have accepted Christ. I did want to have argument with you. Mom already no longer in this world. As long I knew love her and everyone in this world that she have touched on will remembered of her is already enough for me. I beg you as a son to ask a mercy from you as a father to sign. But you push to the limit. You said u will come back and whack me even kill me if have to because I being rude to you. Mr Chow Kar Eng , if u are reading this blog please keep in mind now. Last time I am afraid you because of Mom. But now she is no longer i need to worry because She is with my Lord now. 10 years ago if u threatened to hurt i might fear but now please do not test my anger. Remember we share the same blood. The anger and strength in you are also in my blood. I am stronger and free now. Now as i say I am living in God's way. I will not use violence against you. But please i beg you DO NOT TEST MY ANGER. You are 49 years old now. I am 22. Do not think that you are still strong and dominance on us. The only person I fear now is God and My Lord Jesus Christ.

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil"
Psalm 37:8