Alone, Lonely, and Loneliness???

“Ray why you alone?”, “Why so lonely Raymond?”, “Do you know that you looks very lonely, Raymond”. Almost everywhere I went, I cannot help myself being asked by people around me for being lonely and alone sometime. Now I am staying in the campus hostel. Most of my friends are now at their respective hometown having their holiday. For some are staying outside together. My roommates himself also packed with activities and seldom see him in room. Really can sense the scent of loneliness around me now. Am I really a loner? I’ve been pondering on this matter also. Is not that I am not happy or sad, but of coz being lonely is not something I really enjoy.

So when I start pondering about why I am such a loner, I begin to look back at my life. Ever since I was born, I lived with my mother. I stayed under a same house with my mother, younger brother, and both my grandpa and grandma (parents of my mother). I only see my father once in a year because he works in Sabah. Things stay the same until the death of my grandpa. After he passed away, my grandma moves to KL and stays with my uncle. My grandpa passed away when I was 14. From that moment onwards, my home left only my mother, my brother and me. My mom worked as a nurse in private clinic. She works from morning till night. I only get to see her during night time. My brother and I have different school sessions. Whenever I am in the morning session, he will be in the afternoon session. So every day in my life, there is an interval of time myself being alone. Most of the time, I have to settle my own lunch and stayed alone in house. This is when I started to have loneliness in my life. I still remembered when I was form 5, my mom had a bad sick. She has to be sent to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) for a treatment and stayed in ward for about a month. My brother and I will take turn to look after and stay with her at there. Throughout that moment, whenever I was at home, I was alone. My father left my family when I was 18 years old. Then my mom passed away last year.

If you ask me when was the last time I have dinner or a meal with my family, I can hardly answer to this simple question also. Sometime looking at my friends around me, whenever they said “I got dinner with my parents” or “I am going vacation with my family”, and looking at myself back, I felt so pathetic of myself. I used to be very happy and hyper-excited whenever there is a break in my studies. Thinking of going back home and rest under the care of my mom was something very comfortable. She will tidy up my room, clean up the house and filled up the fridge with a lot of foods (in case I am hungry when she is at work). Being welcome home and long awaited by your mother to be back is such a wonderful feeling. But now, whenever comes the semester break, I lost the sense of excitement. My mom was no longer there to wait for me at home. Whenever my brother went to work, is all me being alone again. There is no difference anymore between my home and my place at hostel. Either of it, I can’t run away from loneliness. My mom used to be the one I always depend on whenever problem occurred. But without her by my side anymore, I can only find peace in myself when I was alone.

Sometime it really irritates me when someone calls me a social outcast for my tendency being alone. I do not blame you, if you are someone that roughly knew me but what makes me sad the most is when the “someone” is my friend that knew my family background. Is not that I want to be lonely or exhibit the loner characteristics in me but I just being myself. I just want to do what I felt comfortable at. Is just like, for some people, they can’t drive while wearing shoes. Is not that they are weird but is just the nature of them of finding comfort of doing something. I still hang out and making jokes around. Is just that sometime when come to certain activities that I am not into it, I just prefer to go back and relax. Try to ask me for football game and see, did I ever being a loner in it? Well, just because I prefer to do something I want or respond to something that I do not like, does it makes me a social outcast? If yeah, how about you come to have a little taste of my life and tell me how you felt? I am not angry or what, but I just expect a little more of understanding. I often heard from people around me telling me how lonely they and expecting something more. Seriously I do not know what to say when come to this. All I can say is, be grateful on what you had. There are others also having the same problem and misery as you do. The only difference is that, for some they choose to face with more optimist approach.

While I pondering on this matter, I came across a question, why sometime God allow loneliness to happen in my life? I used to constantly find reasons to blame on someone even God, on things that happen in my life. I am angry why He allowed sadness and loneliness in my life. But come to think about it, because of all these things that are happened, is how I get to know Jesus Christ and draw closer to Him. God allows loneliness to happen because sometime God want us to remember Him. He also wants us to know that, He is there always by our side no matter where we are. He offers us a chance to share with Him our miseries and problems through loneliness. Be frankly, how many of us will remember and think of God whenever we are having happily joyful moment? Of coz God does not want us to remain in the state of loneliness. He wants us to do fellowship and socializing with others. Is just, that He just wants to take a small fraction of our time to allow His words and present to inspire us.

The words of God are the reason why I am still strong to live on with my life. I know I can’t escape from sadness and loneliness. So instead of finding a reason to blame on, why don’t I take this moment to listen to His words and let His words motivate on me. I once went to a sermon given by Pastor Kong Hee in Kota Kinabalu. He said this “Do not focus on the problem itself but focus and remember the promises of God”, which I find it very true. The promises of God are the solution to all the problems.

The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”, Jesus said. John 14:18

“Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age”, Jesus said. Matthew 28:20

Know The History ..........

I receive these pictures through a forward mail. The first time I saw all these pictures, I was doubted with the truth of this event. After some minority of searching works, I found that this event really occurred some place in Melaka back to 2008.

I was really angry when I first look at all these pictures. Everyone tries to live in harmony but yet there are still a bunch of people out there who want to mess up the whole situation and putting insults on others. For a moment, I was so self-perspective and started to have all this anger inside of me. From anger, the hatred came along.

I knew I was not suppose to have anger or hatred. So I settled down myself and put things into new perspective. Do not hate your enemies but love them. With this few words, my whole perspective and mind was changed. Well, if I hate them and put anger on them, what makes me so different from them? Does it makes me wiser? I laughed at myself for a moment and put things back to normal. Anger no longer in me. Hatred flee from me.

For me the whole event now is just an act of comedy. Well certain people try to get certain attention but they choose to express in the-not-so correct way. This not a racial sedition or anything to do with any politics. They are just confuse about the historical matters. Is just simple as that.

1) From one of the banner, it clearly stated "Mana orang Cina dan India semasa menentang Malayan Union". I can't help myself and laugh. I just answered to myself, "Orang Cina dan India masa itu tengah bekerja. Mereka perlu bekerja keras untuk menyara keluarga. Negara ini telah menerima mereka, jadi mereka hanya dapat membalasnya dengan memberikan produktiviti kerja yang lebih tinggi". Lol. Malayan Union was an idea from the Birtish Colony as a new form of administration for this country. This idea was greatly oppose by the Malays due to many reasons. One of the main reason is that the Monarchy of Malay Rulers are destroyed except in the religious matter. However there are few things I ponder in my mind;

• Looking back to the histroy, who actually invites the Birtish into this country? What or who that gave the opportunity to the Birtish to step into the administration of the country that time?

• During the British administration in this country, most of the people who work for government are who?

• The Malayan Union was unsuccessful and the authority of the Monarchy of Malay Rulers remained. But why political chaos in the country and states, as such in Perak still happen? "A great power comes a great a responsibility?"

2) As far as I know, "Melayu" is a race and Islam is a religion. In our country we are well aware that the Islam is not allow to eat pork or to consume any non-Halal foods. I took one of this subject called Hubungan Etnik in my first year of my university's studies. The lecturer explained that throughout most of the area in South East Asia, people origin from Sumatera, Borneo, and Jawa are also known as "Rumpun Melayu". But not all of them are Islam. So if the event in the pictures voice out on behalf of their own race, the issue of pork should not be an issue because some of the people origin from the "Rumpun Melayu" are not Islam. But if the event in the pictures are voicing out behalf on the religion Islam, there are Chinese in this country who are also Islam? So if the race is the concern, why insult on your own "brothers and sisters" who shares the same originality? If religion is the concern, why insult on your own spiritual "brothers and sisters"?

So now we see that these people are just confuse and not clear about the history. I strongly would not suggest them to be arrested under ISA. Instead, send them back to secondary school to get some education on History.

aw-ESOM-e Worship & Awesome God

This is my life's testimony on how God has revealed Himself to me again. The date was 14th November 2009. This wonderful spiritual reveal took place at Emmanuel Church, Kota Kinabalu during the Sunday Worship Service.

During the Thursday of that week, I was attending the Emmanuel School Of Ministry(ESOM). ESOM is one of the activity organized by Emmanuel Church to the students to learn more about God and making discipleship. Well maybe for next post I will share a little more about this ESOM with you guys out there. Coming back to that Thursday, the lesson of the day was about Thanksgiving, Praise Worship and Warfare. The speaker, Brother Sean share with us about the power of worship. This lesson taught me that Worship indeed is a very powerful "weapon" against our enemies. The words of God in 2 Chronicles 20: 14-29 potrayed the miraculous victory gained through worshipping God. If we look at Isaiah 42: 10-13, is a promise that God will come and conquer the enemies as we worship.

Then, there is this Sister Mary(if I not mistaken the name...Lol) came out and shared about her experience. She said this: "The moment when you do not have the mood to worship God is a great sacrifice to God". At the first I don't quite get what she meant, but after she shared further I started to understand. What I undertsood is that, when someone is really down or doesn't feel like doing it, yet he or she still worship God is one of the thing that pleases God. Perhaps this is the best time to praise and worship the God because God will look at the sacrifice been made by us. This is what amazing of our God: He takes the best out of the worst from us. I have to tell you this, during that night everyone turn to be a great worshipper to God. The whole church was full of praises and thanksgiving to God. Is like you standing in the presence and glory of the Father Lord.

So the night ended. I went to continue my night life. Lol , went to watch 2012 and overnight at friend's house. Then wake up early in the morning to settle some matters. Is a long story to tell but overall, I never really rest well during Friday and Saturday night. During each night of these two days I found and listened to this wonderful song named Awesome God by United Live. Is the first time I really listen and enjoy this song. Then I find myself have some trouble with the song lyrics but I was never really care. Here it comes the Sunday morning. I was so lazy to wake up. I was so lazy to take my bath and prepare to go to church. I even think to skip the Sunday service. Really felt like a burden during that time. However I still manage to negotiate myself to go. Then the van is late due to some problem. Well it frustrated me more as I am going to church.

By the time I reach the church, the service almost started. The worship leader already started with some prayers but yet I still not in the mood. I guess during that time all I was thinking is about what to do after service. So I settle myself down and join in the prayers. After a few minutes of prayers, the first song started to play. Out of sudden I was spiritually alive back and the first song was the Awesome God song. Wow. I left myself with no words but praises to God. Is like He knew what I am up to and use it to cheer me up back. That time I felt myself like so want to sing all out with all the strength all I have. Is like you want to be a football fan cheering victory when his team score the winning goal in a final game. Perhaps the feeling is more than that but I only able express in words to this far. Hallelujah God.

If I have to put this in a learning process, Thursday was like the lecture session and Sunday was the practical or lab session to practice what I what I have learnt. You see my friend, when you are really down and lost your spiritual passion, be strong and ask for the strength and empowerment from God. Let God know that though you are really down but you still want to worship Him because you want to make Him feel good. God feels good and loves to see His beloved children come together to worship and praise Him. Instead of giving up to our self-reluctant feeling, turn yourself to God for motivation. As we sing and worship God, it will strengthen our faith because of the words we sing declare the glory and promises of God.
No doubt Satan will always try to pull us down from worshiping God. Satan will try every possible ways to keep us weak. This is actually what I encountered during the Sunday morning. But as I worship, Satan is defeated. Now I really see the wonders of worship. It can serves as our spiritual strength, God's enjoyment and weapon to defeat Satan.



Awesome God

Our God is an Awesome God,
He reigns from Heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
Our God is an Awesome God.

Kaunselor Bukan Canselor

Pernahkah anda mendengar berita yang menyatakan kalau seseorang meletakkan kenderaannya di ruang tempat kereta orang lain dan dibuang negara? Ataupun anda ke pejabat bekerja, anda meletakkan kenderaan anda di tempat orang lain dan akhirnya anda dibuang kerja. Tapi hakikatnya pada pagi ini saya disampaikan khabar tentang satu kejadian yang mempunya similasi dengan situasi yang saya nyatakan di atas.

Pada Sabtu malam, kawan saya meletakkan van gereja di salah satu tempat meletak kenderaan di kolej kediamannya. Keesokan harinya, kawan saya mendapati sebuah kereta kepunyaan salah seorang FELO kolej kediamannya telah diletakkan di belakang van gereja dan menghalang van tersebut daripada bergerak keluar. Sedikit latar belakang kejadian. FELO merupakan "Pekerja" atau pensyarah universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman pelajar. Kononnya mereka merupakan orang-orang yang ditugaskan oleh pihak universiti untuk menjaga keselamatan dan kebajikan pelajar d kolej kediaman. Setiap seorang FELO mempunyai tempat meletak kenderaan masing-masing, jadi isu kekurangan ruang meletak kenderaan tidak pernah terjadi kepada mereka. Mengikut keterangan kawan saya, van gereja itu diletakkan di ruang yang disediakan untuk pihak pengetua kolej kediaman. Dia berbuat demikian kerana tiada tempat meletak kenderaan lagi yang kosong dan sudah agak lewat pada malam tersebut. FELO yang meletakkan keretanya menghalang van gereja pula dikenali Cik M (bukan pengetua). Cik M merupakan seorang "pekerja" univsersiti yang bertugas sebagai kaunselor di bahagian Hal ehwal Pelajar.

Van gereja itu mempunyai pelekat kenderaan pelajar universiti. Ini bermakna van ini telah mendapat kebenaran daripada pihak unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan universiti. Ruang yang digunakan van itu pula merupakan ruang untuk pengetua kolej kediaman dan beliau tidak mempunyai sebarang masalah dengan perkara ini kerana beliau jarang meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman. Pada malam Sabtu tersebut, selepas kawan saya selesai menghantar pulang rakan-rakan gerejanya, jam sudah menunjukkan pukul 11 malam dan dia merupakan seorang gadis.

Pada keesokan harinya iaitu Ahad pagi, dia perlu menggunakan van tersebut untuk membawa pelajar-pelajar universiti ke gereja. Semasa dia mendapati van tersebut dihalang kenderaan Cik M, dia dengan segera pergi mencari Cik M untuk meminta maaf kepadanya dan meminta agar kenderaannya digerakkan supaya van gereja dapat keluar. Mula-mula, Cik M enggan keluar. Selapas menunggu hampir setengah jam, Cik M akhirnya keluar berdepan dengan kawan saya. Dia mula dengan mempersoal kawan saya dengan beberapa soalan. Sepanjang sesi soal jawab dan teguran tersebut, kawan saya hanya dapat melayannya dengan senyuman dan ucapan minta maaf. Berikut adalah petikan beberapa soalan yang saya anggap agak lucu:-

Soalan Cik M: Tahukah kamu, pelajar-pelajar universiti tidak boleh memiliki kenderaan dan meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Kalau tidak boleh mengapa semua tempat meletak kenderaan boleh penuh? Kalau tidak boleh, mengapa pihak Unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan boleh meluluskan pemohonan pelekat kenderaan? Soalan telah ini menujukkan di manakah tahap pemikiran seseorang yang bergelar kaunselor di peringkat universiti. Ini juga menujukkan kelemahan dalam penyelarasan tahap pengurusan di dalam universiti.

Soalan Cik M: Kalau dah mampu memiliki kenderaan mengapa masih bergantung pada tempat tinggal di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Ya tak ia juga, kalau dah mampu mempunyai kenderaan patutlah mampu tinggal di luar kampus dan sewa rumah sendiri. Cik M saya sarankan soalan ini ditujukan kepada anda sendiri dan semua pekerja universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman dan memiliki kenderaan. Lagipun, pemberian kolej kediaman adalah berasaskan pencapaian kurikulum dan ko-kurikulum seseorang pelajar dan bukannya latar belakang. Pelajar pun tahu, tapi seorang kaunselor universiti tidak tahu.

Soalan Cik M: Kamu tahukah, kamu boleh dibuang universiti atas perkara ini?
Pendapat saya: Inilah bahagian yang paling lucu. DIBUANG UNIVERSITI KERANA MELETAKKAN KENDERAAN DI RUANG ORANG LAIN !!!! Cuba bayangkan anda membaca tajuk berita ini di akhbar. Cik M patut pergi ujibakat Raja Lawak Astro di 1Borneo pada Ahad hari itu. Nak ugut atau gertak pun biarlah berasas. Ini ugut jadi macam lawak pula. Sedarlah sikit, kamu ini kaunselor bukannya Canselor.

Kalaulah semua perkara ingin diikuti prosedur dan peraturannya tanpa budi bicara, pihak pengurusan sendirilah yang patut diteliti dahulu. Saya pernah nampak FELO tertentu yang menghisap rokok di kawasan universiti, menunggang motorsikal di kawasan universiti tanpa memakai topi keledar dan makan dan minum di pejabat kerja. Tapi apakah tindakan pihak universiti terhadap mereka? Di kejadian ini, bukannya soal salah siapa atau salah apa yang menjadi isu. Isu keselamatan seseorang pelajar universiti yang menjadi tanda tanya. Adakah kegagalan pihak pengurusan menyediakan tempat meletak kenderaan patut dirisikokan terhadap keselamatan seorang pelajar gadis? Tak payahlah semua kempen-kempen keselamatan dianjurkan kalaulah pihak universiti sendiri tidak meletakkan isu keselamatan sebagai keutamaan.

Sebagai satu komuniti universiti yang terdiri daripada pelbagai agama, kita haruslah saling memahami. Cik M patut tahu, yang pada Ahad pagi, masyarakat Kristian akan pergi ke gereja. Kalau anda memang ikhlas hendak memberi nasihat dan teguran janganlah sampai menyusahkan seorang pelajar daripada menjalankan tanggungjawabnya terhadap agamanya. Sebarang sesi teguran dan nasihat bolehlah dilakukan selepas itu. Dimanakah konsep 1Malaysia yang sering dilaungkan pihak universiti? Bagaimanakah konsep 1Malaysia dapat dicapai kalaulah tiada persefahaman di dalam universiti?

Sebagai seorang kaunselor, anda sendiri juga pernah menjadi seorang pelajar universiti. Anda seharusnya lebih memahami dan berfikir daripada perspektif pelajar. Hanya kerana anda pernah menghadapi kesusahan, tak bermakna generasi akan datang perlu mengalaminya juga. Jelas daripada kejadian di atas FELO ini hanya ingin menyusahkan pelajar. Anda telah diberi tempat meletak kenderaan sendiri tetapi masih ingin menyusahkan orang. Nak menegakkan keadilan kononnya. Kuasa itu diberi untuk menjaga kebajikan orang ramai dan bukannya untuk membuli. Tolong ingat, kebajikan kami pelajarlah yang menjadi ukuran pencapaian anda.

Kepada kawan saya, janganlah bimbang atas perkara ini. Kalaulah anda dibuang kolej kediaman atau dibuang universiti atas perkara ini, jelas menunjukkan Universiti Malaysia Sabah merupakan universiti yang be-krompomi dengan penyalahgunaan kuasa. Biarlah orang ramai yang menyaksikan bagaimana universiti yang dilaungkan oleh kerajaan sebagai tempat pembangunan modal insan ini melayan pelajarnya.

A MeSSage oF ApoLoGy

To start something new in your life was never really easy. We might have a lot of past issues that holding us back to move further. People always say let go of the past and move on. The words of God also taught us to forgive others on past occasions. We should forgive others like how the Father God has forgive us from time to time. At here I would like to share another perspective on moving forward.

Matthew 5: 23-26
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

What I understand from verses above is that, we must seek forgiveness and understanding from everyone. If we still owe something to someone, be sure we return it even it is just a simple word such as "Sorry". The parable of handling us to judge can be an illustration to what will happen in our life if we ignore the way we treat others. Literally the word "prison" in the verse can mean the punishment. But it also implies us the meaning of living in loneliness. If we stop to care about others feeling it will bring loneliness in our life. People might not longer share their true feeling with us and in some cases it might ended up in a broken relationship. We will remain in loneliness-"The spiritual prison" if we did not admit and "pay" our mistakes with apology to others. So start the first step by paying everyone in your life with an apology because it is the only way we can get back to our life. Always remember, life is more than just about we forgiving others but also we seeking forgiveness from others. Well simple as that, "Give and Take" . Praise God for such wonderful words from Him.

Well as God speak to me, I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry and apologize to everyone that I ever know and those around me. "I am sorry and deepest apology :-

• to you Lord, for everything that I done which against the words of you, Lord. Sorry Lord, for all the sins that I commit and "put" the pain on the cross on you again Jesus Lord. But it never cease you to love me even more. Thank you Father Lord for your continuous blessing, mercy, love, gift, strength and everything that you given to me and your promises.

• to my beloved and forever remember Mother "Mummy" for not being with you as much as I can during your lifetime. Sorry for all the sadness and tears that I ever put you through. Sorry for not being with you at the last moment. Sorry for every words from my mouth that hurt your before and every wonderful praises and thanksgiving that I fail to tell you. I just want you to know that you remain in my heart forever. If there is one thing that I can ask from to keep with forever from God, it would be everything about you, Mummy. Thank you for all the love and support for me from you. No words can define how meaningful and wonderful your present in my life. May you rest in peace in the presence of Lord and see you again when the time comes. I love you Mummy.

• to all my family members for not being a good example and carry out my responsible as a part of this family organization. Sorry for all the worry I put you all through. Sorry to my grandma "Mama" if I ever make you angry and worry about me. I just want say thank you for being with me from the moment I was born till now. To all my uncle's and auntie's thank you for your continuous support, care and love though something I am stubborn towards you all. Sorry to my brother "Titi" for not being good example to you. I am sorry for not taking you as my responsibility. Thank you, Lord for this shelter of love that you gave to me through my family members.
  

• to my dear Ng Kah Yee for all the tears that I put you in this relationship. I am sorry for being so childish sometime. Sorry for all the time I fail to care about you and put you in distance from me. Sorry dear. May our relationship will remain strong and together we grow in the present of God. After for more than 4 years we been together, I still want to say "I Love You".

• to all my school-mates, course-mates, team-mates, university-mates, hometown friends, brothers and sisters in Christ and all my Friends. If you ever wonder whether you are included in my apology, YES YOU ARE. If the initial of your name is between A and Z, Yes you are included. There are a lot of you guys that I wish to name it out here but sorry for not being address you guys one by one. This could me the most number Sorries that I have ever expressed. For all the moments in primary school, secondary school, Form 6, university, church, playing football, living in the same house, hanging out with each other and on all the stuff we participate together I believe there are times or somehow that I being a jerk and troublesome. If there is any particular event or thing that bring discomfort or irritant to anyone of you in particulary from me, please tell me. Let me have the chance to say sorry to you in person. Everything will change including our friendship but let it be the change from strong to stronger all the time.

Kebajikan kami, Pencapaian anda.

Raja memerintah dengan kuasa naungan,
Segalanya berlandaskan akal dan minda,
Kami bukannya "maha-banduan",
Kebajikan kamilah keutamaan anda.

Pantun di atas ingin saya tujukan kepada pihak Hal Ehwal Pelajar Kolej Kediaman E, UMS. Maafkan saya kalau terdapat sebarang kesilapan dalam pengunaan struktur ayat atau tatabahasa. Namun tujuan pantun ini tulis adalah ingin mengingatkan anda semula tentang tanggungjawab anda terhadap pelajar-pelajar yang menghuni di Kolej Kediaman E.

Pada minggu lalu, saya dikhabarkan dengan satu pengumuman yang menyatakan semua penghuni di kolej kediaman E dikehendaki mengosongkan bilik masing-masing semasa cuti semester ini. Mengikut pengetahuan saya, perkara ini adalah susulan hasrat pihak HEP yang ingin menyediakan tempat tinggal bagi peserta-peserta bagi satu acara sukan yang bakal diadakan pada cuti semester ini. Yuran RM5.00 sehari juga akan dikenakan sekirannya pelajar ingin terus menggunakan bilik kediaman.

Mengikut tradisi, pengosongan bilik hanya akan dilakuan pada setiap pengakhiran sesi pembelajaran iaitu setahun sekali. Ini adalah kerana setiap pemohonan untuk mendiami di kolej kediaman adalah untuk tempoh satu sesi pembelajaran. Ya, saya faham bahawa terdapat acara yang akan berlangsung dan tempat tinggal harus disediakan untuk tetamu-tetamu, tetapi jumlah itu hanyalah minoriti. Berdasarkan kapasiti yang sedia ada, perlukah seluruh kolej kediaman dikosongkan? Mungkin setiap rumah hanya satu bilik yang perlu dikosongkan dan tidak semua penghuni akan terjejas. Penghuni yang terjejas juga boleh menumpangkan benda kepunyaan mereka di bilik sebelah. Pihak HEP banyak kerja sangatkah sampai tidak boleh membuat perancangan ini? Orang luar diberi keutamaan dan penghuni-penghuni jagaan anda diabaikan. Bak kata pepatah "Anak di pangku dilepaskan, anak beruk di hutan disusukan". Tolonglah, sedar sedikit tentang kebajikan siapakah yang harus anda utamakan. Setiap tahun diadakan pengundian dan pemilihan JAKMAS tetapi kebajikan diabaikan.

Peraturan dan etika di kolej kediaman juga merupakan salah satu isu di sini. Penghuni-penghuni di kolej kediamaan sering diberi amaran(sampai ada yang dirampas kad matrik) untuk tidak berseluar pendek di kawasan kolej kediaman. Kalau pendek sangat itu saya fahamlah bahawa itu dah keterlaluan. Tapi yang menghairankan seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut juga dilarang. Saya sangat betul nak tanya ini kepada pihak HEP, sangat tak senonohkah kalau seseorang itu memakai seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut? Itu juga anda kira seksi? Mana lebih tak senonoh, berseluar panjang yang ketat sampai nampak bentuk kaki atau seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut yang longgar?
Kalau seseorang itu pakai seluar pendek pergi ke kafe atau pejabat HEP bolehlah diterima kalau dia diberi amaran. Tetapi yang nak keluar ke bandar atau tempat lain yang memakai seluar pendek juga ditahan pihak HEP. Siapakah anda untuk menghalang hak pemakaian orang? Ini merupakan cerita benar dimana pernah sekali kawan saya yang baru balik daripada bandar berseluar pendek menunggang motorsikal disoal pihak HEP. Seluar pendek yang saya maksudkan adalah yang melepasi pihak lutut. Kawan saya menjelaskan bahawa dia balik dari bandar tetapi dia terus diberi amaran. Tidak munasabah langsung.
Mengapa isu pakaian ini saja yang dipandang serius? Bagaimana pula dengan isu seperti merokok di kolej kediaman dan isu kebersihan kafe makanan? Jangan anda kata anda tidak tahu. Selaku pelajar, saya seolah-olah tengah diberitahu bahawa merokok di kolej kediaman bukanlah isu besar. Di luar sana, kerajaan bertungkus-lumus menghapuskan amalan merokok, tetapi di dalam sebuah universiti kerajaan isu ini hanyalah isu remeh. Tunggak pendidikan negara kononnya.

Kad matrik merupakan satu-satunya identiti pengenalan kami di dalam universiti. Kad matrik boleh diumpamakan seperti kad pengenalan bagi seorang rakyat di sesebuah negara. Kalaulah Polis Diraja Malaysia hanya boleh sekadar memeriksa dan menyalin maklumat kad pengenalan kami dan tidak berhak merampas kad pengenalan kami tanpa arahan makhamah, apakah hak pihak HEP untuk merampas kad matrik pelajar?

Akhir kata, bukanlah untuk mencabar atau menjatuhkan sebarang pihak tetapi ini merupakan suara pendapat saya. Kalau benarlah hanya menjalankan tanggungjawab, pastikan di manakah keutamaannya. Sila pastikan peraturan dipatuhi anda dahulu sebelum memastikan orang lain mematuhi peraturan. Penghormatan hanya dapat dikecapi melalui teladan yang baik dan bukannya penindasan atau membuli. Bak kata pepatah " Raja adil raja disembah, raja tak adil raja disanggah".

This Is How it Started.... ARSENAL

ARSENAL
The new season on all Europe elite leagues has started. Well the season of excitement come back again. At least every weekend meet up friends also has something to talk about. Mamak stall finally have the business back on the track. New jersey of respective team can be seen everywhere now. Feel so excited. LOL
Another year, another season. Well same wishes like every other season, I wish Arsenal will blah...blah...blah...... . Seriously I really blah....blah....blah a lot for Arsenal dy. But for for the past 5 years I really tired dy. High hope on every beginning of season, disappointment in every end of season. LOL.

The journey...Arsenal
I first started to watch football was during 1999. That time I was 12 year-old and start to get into this sports. Well, I still remember the first time I play football was during a PJ(Pendidikan Jasmani) lesson. That time I scored a goal and felt so excited about it. (No wonder cannot become professional lah, 12years liao only started to play, Ryan Giggs 12 year-old already signed by Man. Utd......LOL)
During that time, the whole world of football is about Manchester United. Win Treble, got David Beckham, blah...blah..... . Wonder why I did not became Manchester United fans? Actually is the nature of me that resulted me as Arsenal fans. I want to be different from others. That time everyone and and everything is all about Manchester United. So I go for Arsenal, a rare supported top team. I watched their game for the first tme through telecast and Oh gosh, that fella Dennis Bergkamp is formidable. So I really got into their playing style and games. This was how a prototype of Arsenal supporter was formed. LOL. From that time onwards, football is everything to me. I played football almost everyday of my life. Sometime even curse the weather for raining because cannot play. LOL. Me and my friends gathered and formed a small amateur football club, AAFC (I will cover on that next time). We will come together and play together every evening. I still remembered there was a time when my friend damaged my poster of Thierry Henry, Arsenal, I ended up fighting with him. LOL (Mo Siong don't do that again liao,LOL). Every Monday worried about going to school when Arsenal lost, and walked like a King when they won. Debates all the time about how great is Arsenal.LOL. Even the way of myself playing football was fully influenced by the Arsenal style. I love to learn how they play and no doubt Thierry Henry was the one I admired most. As an Arsenal supporter for almost 10 years, I have since the up-climb, peak and down-fall of Arsenal. I seen them won trophies, players in and out, players retired, development of players and disappointment. Is a complete taste of football already that you can ask for (Not to mention club bankruptcy and club relegation <---- Wooi Kuun and Tham is for you, LOL).

Throughout all these time, I can categorized Arsenal squad into three generations.
When I first supported Arsenal, 1st generation , the players were Tony Adams, Lee Dixon, Silvinho, Kanu, and Nicholas Anelka. This generation I have not much to remember because, during that time most of them are either almost retired or some of them did not committed enough and left the club. But there are still some like Ray Parlour, David Seaman and Denis Bergkamp that are well recorded in me.



The 2nd generation, I shall named it the Legend generation. During this generation, the players were Freddie Ljungbeg, Robert Pires, Patrick Vieira, Gilberto Silva, Ashley Cole, Lauren, Sol Campbell, Kolo Toure, Jens Lehnman, Sylvain Wiltord and the "Genius" Dennis Bergkamp. Did I missed out anyone, LOL, Of coz the Thierry "King" Henry. This generation is where most of the success of the club were made under the "Master-Mind" Arsene Wenger. They were once called "The Invincibles"



The 3rd generation were the growing stars, new faces and youngsters. Most these players develop themselves at Arsenal and some are through Arsene Wenger brilliant scouting and evaluation that brought them in through transfer. This generation are also the current Arsenal squad. With the departure of Kolo Toure, marked the total 3rd generation of Gunners. A few names of 3rd generation, Cesc Fabregas, Robin Van Persie, Gael Clichy, Emanuel Almunia, Nicklas Bendtner, Carlos Vela, Aaron Ramsey, Theo Walcott, and many more. Famous name like Andrei Arshavin, Eduardo Da Silva , Samir Nasri and William Gallas (Controversy with Ashley Cole) are those well spotted transfer by Arsene Wenger that make immediate impact to the squad. During the build of new generation, there were some names that used to be a part of Arsenal but due to temptation they left for good. Some of them are doing well and some are doing bad after leaving. Those name I would reckon Alexander Hleb, Mathieu Flamini, Jose Reyes, and Emmanuel Adebayor.





Looking back as an Arsenal supporter, the first proud moments came during the season 2001-2002 where they won the FA Cup and English Premier League. The additive of this sweet moment was that the English Premier League champion title was claimed at the home ground of Manchester United. Then the 2nd consecutive FA Cup winner at the following season. After that season came the most historical success that Arsenal has ever achieved and the world see the best of football in Arsenal. Winner of Barclay's English Premier League 2003-2004 without beaten by any other teams in the league for the entire season. This unbeaten run was extend to 49 league games consecutively. Imagine not losing to any team for 49 matches running (At least no worries of being laugh by other supporters for 1 year. LOL). I think the current Barcelona or Real Madrid also cannot do it. The next season Arsenal won the FA Cup again. So the up-climb and climax peak part are over. Now come the down-fall. After winning the FA Cup in 2005, Arsenal did not won any competition until now (Not to mention pre-season cup). The closest they came was during 2006 where they were beaten in the UEFA Champions League final by Barcelona 2-1. That was actually the first time Arsenal in the European Champions Final (Not to mention UEFA Cup final on 2000). So the waiting still goin on. After a few years of emptiness in the trophy cabinet, I hope they will win back something this season. Arsene Wenger no longer have excuses. They are no longer youngsters. So for this new season of 2009-2010, I hope Arsenal won't left me with another disappointment. I pray hard for it.


Ray@HenRayes@ArshRayvin

To a friend....Sorry

Is kinda weird I say sorry to a friend of mine through blog. Lol. Sounds gay but i guess we both are just too man to confronted each other to know the story behind. Is not a conflict actually,but is just a frustration that I can sense. I am here to admit that is totally my fault and problems. Sorry bro, CY.
When I first step up to this place(UMS), still keep my dream to establish myself as a St John Ambulans member back. No longer just another member but become a qualify officer. After those pathetic moment at my place, I really wish to come here and establish myself back and prove to them I can survive without you guys. "St Anthony, St John Can Survive Anywhere". Most of my friends should have known what happened last time. Not a proud story to share, but a warning to those political minded demons (that claimed to be life saver) that do not simply step on people "tail". History.....
So I came here and thinking how could this work out for me again. For your info, St John Ambulans at here UMS were not well establish yet. With dream comes hope. I meet this guy CY. He is a St John members too. He also got a bit frustration from his previous area in St John Ambulans. So we share our idea of bringing this thing back alive to both of us again. Things work out kinda slow at first, but at last it shows some progressive growing. He works really hard for it and really at that moment I felt that , finally I can achieve what I suppose to be after those undivided devotion that I gave out during my secondary school time. Everything work out quite fine for us in bringing our dream back again. What I appreciate the most is when he told me that he want both of us to hold those higher rank offered. All of his hard work, he still got include me in his plan. Thanks alot bro.
Sorry is all I can say, is a God's calling. As a Christian, I really wanna to become a growing Christian. I just accepted Christ and I want to live in His way now. I do not know what is happening but I guess God speaks to me. Now i really want to committed to my Church. I get all this messages to stay away from all my pride and serve the Lord. I started not to attend meeting and try to avoid him. I remember there was one time he told me tonight got meeting, I end up going to church for a camp committee meeting. He called I do not want to answer. Then all the activities that we've been planned to bring members to St John, I did not attend, instead I went to CF and join church activities. I do not know how to speak to him now but I know he got frustrated of me dy. Well he even tag me as "aeroplane person" in a photo of our coursemate. LOL thats really funny.
CY, just wanna say sorry for all the messed and problems I put in at the last minute exit. I really wish to achieve what I dream of but is not my will to be done, but His will. So I pray that you will find success in bringing St John Ambulans to UMS and achieve your dream. You deserve every credit of it. Sorry and thanks alot bro. ~ Ray Chow

I ask for the Best, I get the Best but I never give the Best

Now I am 22 year-old. In the final year of my studies. Another year less I'll be going into the working environment. Thank God as I manage to make it through over the past few years. Is not the way that I want it to be but based on what I have did I truly believe God has work out the best for me already. As a student, getting to stay inside campus, get to choose own room, nice housemate and roommate, laptop, broadband, enough financial support from family, friends and buddies,...blah....blah.....blah..... I really thank God for all the grace and blessing He gave to me. I ask and I pray, He will either say Yes or Wait (or No if myself also felt ridiculous of it). God really gave me the best for me and I have received the best from Him.
What I concern the most about myself now is, how best have I gave out? I would not say I am those with smart and brilliant mind but I knew He gave me a great mind n wisdom. With what I received, and I had, I supposedly doing much better at where I am now. Final year project pending, assignments delayed, lab works building up, left out in studies, and absentee to classes. This is where I am now. Laziness is my cultural, relaxation is my priority. Pathetic Ray. I know all I need to do now is stay focus in my study only. Such a simple task I also fail to accomplish. My family try their best to support me because they want to take away my worry from me and with the hope that I can stay focus. But I failed. I really disappointed them, especially my grandma. I am sorry. Ever since Mom passed away, Grandma is the one who replace my Mom to me. She will try her best o fulfill my needs and requests. I knew that all of them been really nice to me. God blessing to me again. But I did not try my best to do what am I suppose to do. All I want is to relax and having fun now. How could I be like this? People all around me giving out their best to make sure I have the best but I just use the best I have to become worse.
I just wanna say that I really stress out this time. The fear is building up inside me. I do not how to start now. While I am writing this post, my mind still blank with I suppose to do......

To my Dad

Happy Father's Day? This day was never in my life anymore.Ever since 2005 i did not see u anymore. I don't know why u rather let your pride and your anger to take over you than the love of our family. Why you have to make everything seems like no way back? Why our family have to go until this way? Is this what you want? You know how I felt when I have to witness my own father left us and my mother passed away. You don't know. Not even a moment in your life.

At that moment I know everything seems like going against us. You got stroke. Mom got heart disease. We faced financial difficulties. But why we can't we stay together and overcome it together. Mom never gave up. She knew she is sick but yet she never gives up on brother and me. Yet she still love all of us with all her heart. She went to work to support the family. She is tired but yet the smile on her face will always be there. But why U have to be so irrational. Why everything that happened u need something or someone to be blamed? In our family you are the eldest, the one with the most taste of life but why u never be the example to us. I still remembered what happened the night before you left us. You, mom and brother went for supper. I was sleeping because I got class the next day. Early in the morning, about 3am I heard noises someone yelling and drove away the car. I awake ask mom what happened and she told me your father was angry with your brother because he did not want to eat vegetable. I say WHAT? After a week, it was Chinese New Year. It was the first day of Chinese New Year. I went to find you and beg you to come back to us. Forget everything and start all over again. No one to be sad in the first day of CNY. But yet you are so stubborn. U never want to listen. You just want to make everyone to have a gloomy CNY. I tell u i was really sad that time. The first time ever in my life I celebrated CNY without my both parent together with me.
A week later, I was in friend's house. Out of sudden I received a call from brother that you were back into home and beat mom. I rushed go back and I saw you holding helmet. I go in without hesitation push you away and take a knife chased you out from the house. I knew you are angry with me because I was acting disrespect to you and push you. But let me tell you this, in my whole life that time i will never ever tolerate anyone who hurts mom. Not even you Dad. You are a man. You are hurting a sick woman. And she is your wife. No doubt being rude to a father is wrong but hurting my mom never makes you my father. I did felt sorry for my act that night but i still cannot accept the fact that you hit mom. You said there was a guy outside the house and accused mom having affair with him. I told you already I knew that guy and his been the friend of mom, brother and me. You completely out of your mind already that time. You even accused mom having affair with uncle just because he was there to stop you from beating mom.

You asked me why I sided on mom and never on you. Is not about which side i support but is the fact you are wrong. First, no matter how righteous and innocent you are but once you beat mom i cannot tolerate. Secondly, from beginning till end is only you are the one who acting unreasonable. How u expect me to sided on you. Thirdly, if i really sided on mom is also a decision of me to make. From the day I was born, I was raised by mom and her family side. You also knew how troublesome your siblings and grandma, the mother of you. Always giving hard days to mom. I never ever tasted even a single molecule of love from the truly CHOW family of mine though I am CHOW too. But it never bother my mind at all because I knew my mom loves me more than anyone she ever do. Give me a reason for me to stand on your side please. I was born with CHOW surname but I was raised by the LEE. What i knew about my CHOW family is anger and hatred. But I was educated by LEE. This is where i received love.

You accused mom having affair. You say people told u many shits about mom. Let me ask u this Mr Chow Kar Eng, Are you rather listen to those outsider than your wife and both of your son.? You say u never believe in them but why you still accused mom. Why the things you say and the things you do is not the same? Ask yourself who is truly love you and your family? Are those outsider or us? Ask yourself also how many affair and disloyalty you've been having during that time you at Sabah. Even till one day when I was kid U brought the woman back. Don't give me excuses of all these shits. I have my eyes to see and my brain to think what you did. But does Mom ever leave you and the family. Think la old men. I really pissed off when i have to come to think about this.

After so many things happened, Mom really disappointed on you. She is sad I can tell you this. But yet you still trying to give her hard time from time-time. Threatened her. Make her scared of you. Let me tell you this in case you don't know. Mom never scared of you hurting her. She just worried about both of brother and me. The main reason she afraid to divorce with you is because she worried you might bring your anger to both of her sons. She is sick but yet she have to live in the worries. Not because of herself but her son. That time I just finished my form 6 . I told Mom that time I might not get offer to further my studies. She ask me to find college and enroll first. Just in case if did not get any offer. You Chow Kar Eng, u know how burdened to support a son to study in college with salary around RM800 monthly. But she did not complaint or say no to me. But Thank God I got offer from local university. She was so proud and try her best to get me there. Where are you that time? Every expenditure from sending me to college, buying my university's necessity, air flight tickets and everything she try her best and gave it to me. Any single cent from you? Any single encouragement from you? You still call yourself a father of mine?

When I was in University, one night mom called up me and told that u came. She said she dare not to let you in. Then after a few days later u called up me and said that the wife of you did not let her very own husband go into house. I tell you this. Is my idea to ask her do not let you in. She is just a woman. U hurt her once. You still expect her to let u come near. Then you start to threatened me to all those out of mind things. You say you will hurt her or maybe even killed her if have to. Whats the point of you saying those things? Trying to show us that you are a strong man. That time I told you wait me come back and have a talk in a nice way. I just do not want you to do anything to mom and brother. But u still threatened us. I really just pray nothing will happened.

But now and forever I would not have my family back again already. Because Mom has left us. The one that I loved and loved me the most is no longer with me. She had suffer alot. She had to suffer with he sick and look after me and brother. And you from time time keep on bringing her fear and worries. WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT MR CHOW KAR ENG!!!! She died because she is too sad of you. During her funeral you never even came and her pay her last respect. SHE IS YOUR WIFE. Where are you that time? You told aunty that you are sad. Why you sad? Why u try to kill her and on the other hand you are sad? WHY!!! Now thanks to you I will never have parent for Chinese New Year celebration for the rest of my life.

Every single expenditure of Mom's funeral is from Mom's siblings. You never spent a cent also. You know how hard is that time for me.
I was in my second year. I have my own financial instability for my studies. Then i have to come back and handle my mom's funeral. Did i ever ask from you? But Mom left her EPF and her savings for both of us brother. Before even she passed away, she got told me that the EPF savings has named me and brother as the beneficiaries. Because she insisted those money is for us in the future. But when we went and checked the system said no naming has be done yet. Mom's death has already left you with the benefits from SOCSO where you can receive RM 300 over every month till you die. I am not entitled to get this because i already over 21 years old. brother can only receive rm 100 something every month before he reach 21 years old. What else do you want? All of these things you get just because she haven't divorce with you in black and white. I never even question or try to stop you having those benefits. But deep inside your heart Mr Chow Kar Eng ask yourself, do you really have the right on those money? But why you have to create so many difficulties to me. Now I need to do is to get those money in Mom's EPF and savings out. And i need you to sign a document for me. Just like that. Once i collected the money I will still divide a portion of it to u because you are entitled to it legally. You promised you will but now u say dun wan to sign anymore. You blamed me go and do the procedure and written a letter in front of the Commissioner of Oath without your permission. First of all why do i need to get your permission. This is mom belongings is not yours. Who the hell you think you are? Secondly everything i written in the letter of the Commission of Oath is true. Indeed you really quarrel with mom and left family and did not contact us. I still got keep a copy of that letter. Come and read it out loud and i will testify every words inside of that letter with the truth. The savings is what Mom's last wishes on both of her sons. She want us to have that money because she knew that was the best she can ever gave to both of us brother. Every single expenditure of her funeral from the coffin and the land to buried her, everything is from the effort of me. You did not even spent a cent and now you wanna come and ask for your part. Are you still a man?

Every father in this world try to give their best for their son. They love their son more than anything. But I don't know why you will envy of your own son. You told me after mom death u did not get anything. How about those SOCSO benefits you get? WHAT DA HECK ARE YOU SAYING?!!!

That day you called up me and told me all the old stories. How mom did badly towards you. I am angry but yet still stay calm. I have accepted Christ. I did want to have argument with you. Mom already no longer in this world. As long I knew love her and everyone in this world that she have touched on will remembered of her is already enough for me. I beg you as a son to ask a mercy from you as a father to sign. But you push to the limit. You said u will come back and whack me even kill me if have to because I being rude to you. Mr Chow Kar Eng , if u are reading this blog please keep in mind now. Last time I am afraid you because of Mom. But now she is no longer i need to worry because She is with my Lord now. 10 years ago if u threatened to hurt i might fear but now please do not test my anger. Remember we share the same blood. The anger and strength in you are also in my blood. I am stronger and free now. Now as i say I am living in God's way. I will not use violence against you. But please i beg you DO NOT TEST MY ANGER. You are 49 years old now. I am 22. Do not think that you are still strong and dominance on us. The only person I fear now is God and My Lord Jesus Christ.

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil"
Psalm 37:8