Alone, Lonely, and Loneliness???

“Ray why you alone?”, “Why so lonely Raymond?”, “Do you know that you looks very lonely, Raymond”. Almost everywhere I went, I cannot help myself being asked by people around me for being lonely and alone sometime. Now I am staying in the campus hostel. Most of my friends are now at their respective hometown having their holiday. For some are staying outside together. My roommates himself also packed with activities and seldom see him in room. Really can sense the scent of loneliness around me now. Am I really a loner? I’ve been pondering on this matter also. Is not that I am not happy or sad, but of coz being lonely is not something I really enjoy.

So when I start pondering about why I am such a loner, I begin to look back at my life. Ever since I was born, I lived with my mother. I stayed under a same house with my mother, younger brother, and both my grandpa and grandma (parents of my mother). I only see my father once in a year because he works in Sabah. Things stay the same until the death of my grandpa. After he passed away, my grandma moves to KL and stays with my uncle. My grandpa passed away when I was 14. From that moment onwards, my home left only my mother, my brother and me. My mom worked as a nurse in private clinic. She works from morning till night. I only get to see her during night time. My brother and I have different school sessions. Whenever I am in the morning session, he will be in the afternoon session. So every day in my life, there is an interval of time myself being alone. Most of the time, I have to settle my own lunch and stayed alone in house. This is when I started to have loneliness in my life. I still remembered when I was form 5, my mom had a bad sick. She has to be sent to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) for a treatment and stayed in ward for about a month. My brother and I will take turn to look after and stay with her at there. Throughout that moment, whenever I was at home, I was alone. My father left my family when I was 18 years old. Then my mom passed away last year.

If you ask me when was the last time I have dinner or a meal with my family, I can hardly answer to this simple question also. Sometime looking at my friends around me, whenever they said “I got dinner with my parents” or “I am going vacation with my family”, and looking at myself back, I felt so pathetic of myself. I used to be very happy and hyper-excited whenever there is a break in my studies. Thinking of going back home and rest under the care of my mom was something very comfortable. She will tidy up my room, clean up the house and filled up the fridge with a lot of foods (in case I am hungry when she is at work). Being welcome home and long awaited by your mother to be back is such a wonderful feeling. But now, whenever comes the semester break, I lost the sense of excitement. My mom was no longer there to wait for me at home. Whenever my brother went to work, is all me being alone again. There is no difference anymore between my home and my place at hostel. Either of it, I can’t run away from loneliness. My mom used to be the one I always depend on whenever problem occurred. But without her by my side anymore, I can only find peace in myself when I was alone.

Sometime it really irritates me when someone calls me a social outcast for my tendency being alone. I do not blame you, if you are someone that roughly knew me but what makes me sad the most is when the “someone” is my friend that knew my family background. Is not that I want to be lonely or exhibit the loner characteristics in me but I just being myself. I just want to do what I felt comfortable at. Is just like, for some people, they can’t drive while wearing shoes. Is not that they are weird but is just the nature of them of finding comfort of doing something. I still hang out and making jokes around. Is just that sometime when come to certain activities that I am not into it, I just prefer to go back and relax. Try to ask me for football game and see, did I ever being a loner in it? Well, just because I prefer to do something I want or respond to something that I do not like, does it makes me a social outcast? If yeah, how about you come to have a little taste of my life and tell me how you felt? I am not angry or what, but I just expect a little more of understanding. I often heard from people around me telling me how lonely they and expecting something more. Seriously I do not know what to say when come to this. All I can say is, be grateful on what you had. There are others also having the same problem and misery as you do. The only difference is that, for some they choose to face with more optimist approach.

While I pondering on this matter, I came across a question, why sometime God allow loneliness to happen in my life? I used to constantly find reasons to blame on someone even God, on things that happen in my life. I am angry why He allowed sadness and loneliness in my life. But come to think about it, because of all these things that are happened, is how I get to know Jesus Christ and draw closer to Him. God allows loneliness to happen because sometime God want us to remember Him. He also wants us to know that, He is there always by our side no matter where we are. He offers us a chance to share with Him our miseries and problems through loneliness. Be frankly, how many of us will remember and think of God whenever we are having happily joyful moment? Of coz God does not want us to remain in the state of loneliness. He wants us to do fellowship and socializing with others. Is just, that He just wants to take a small fraction of our time to allow His words and present to inspire us.

The words of God are the reason why I am still strong to live on with my life. I know I can’t escape from sadness and loneliness. So instead of finding a reason to blame on, why don’t I take this moment to listen to His words and let His words motivate on me. I once went to a sermon given by Pastor Kong Hee in Kota Kinabalu. He said this “Do not focus on the problem itself but focus and remember the promises of God”, which I find it very true. The promises of God are the solution to all the problems.

The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”, Jesus said. John 14:18

“Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age”, Jesus said. Matthew 28:20

Know The History ..........

I receive these pictures through a forward mail. The first time I saw all these pictures, I was doubted with the truth of this event. After some minority of searching works, I found that this event really occurred some place in Melaka back to 2008.

I was really angry when I first look at all these pictures. Everyone tries to live in harmony but yet there are still a bunch of people out there who want to mess up the whole situation and putting insults on others. For a moment, I was so self-perspective and started to have all this anger inside of me. From anger, the hatred came along.

I knew I was not suppose to have anger or hatred. So I settled down myself and put things into new perspective. Do not hate your enemies but love them. With this few words, my whole perspective and mind was changed. Well, if I hate them and put anger on them, what makes me so different from them? Does it makes me wiser? I laughed at myself for a moment and put things back to normal. Anger no longer in me. Hatred flee from me.

For me the whole event now is just an act of comedy. Well certain people try to get certain attention but they choose to express in the-not-so correct way. This not a racial sedition or anything to do with any politics. They are just confuse about the historical matters. Is just simple as that.

1) From one of the banner, it clearly stated "Mana orang Cina dan India semasa menentang Malayan Union". I can't help myself and laugh. I just answered to myself, "Orang Cina dan India masa itu tengah bekerja. Mereka perlu bekerja keras untuk menyara keluarga. Negara ini telah menerima mereka, jadi mereka hanya dapat membalasnya dengan memberikan produktiviti kerja yang lebih tinggi". Lol. Malayan Union was an idea from the Birtish Colony as a new form of administration for this country. This idea was greatly oppose by the Malays due to many reasons. One of the main reason is that the Monarchy of Malay Rulers are destroyed except in the religious matter. However there are few things I ponder in my mind;

• Looking back to the histroy, who actually invites the Birtish into this country? What or who that gave the opportunity to the Birtish to step into the administration of the country that time?

• During the British administration in this country, most of the people who work for government are who?

• The Malayan Union was unsuccessful and the authority of the Monarchy of Malay Rulers remained. But why political chaos in the country and states, as such in Perak still happen? "A great power comes a great a responsibility?"

2) As far as I know, "Melayu" is a race and Islam is a religion. In our country we are well aware that the Islam is not allow to eat pork or to consume any non-Halal foods. I took one of this subject called Hubungan Etnik in my first year of my university's studies. The lecturer explained that throughout most of the area in South East Asia, people origin from Sumatera, Borneo, and Jawa are also known as "Rumpun Melayu". But not all of them are Islam. So if the event in the pictures voice out on behalf of their own race, the issue of pork should not be an issue because some of the people origin from the "Rumpun Melayu" are not Islam. But if the event in the pictures are voicing out behalf on the religion Islam, there are Chinese in this country who are also Islam? So if the race is the concern, why insult on your own "brothers and sisters" who shares the same originality? If religion is the concern, why insult on your own spiritual "brothers and sisters"?

So now we see that these people are just confuse and not clear about the history. I strongly would not suggest them to be arrested under ISA. Instead, send them back to secondary school to get some education on History.

aw-ESOM-e Worship & Awesome God

This is my life's testimony on how God has revealed Himself to me again. The date was 14th November 2009. This wonderful spiritual reveal took place at Emmanuel Church, Kota Kinabalu during the Sunday Worship Service.

During the Thursday of that week, I was attending the Emmanuel School Of Ministry(ESOM). ESOM is one of the activity organized by Emmanuel Church to the students to learn more about God and making discipleship. Well maybe for next post I will share a little more about this ESOM with you guys out there. Coming back to that Thursday, the lesson of the day was about Thanksgiving, Praise Worship and Warfare. The speaker, Brother Sean share with us about the power of worship. This lesson taught me that Worship indeed is a very powerful "weapon" against our enemies. The words of God in 2 Chronicles 20: 14-29 potrayed the miraculous victory gained through worshipping God. If we look at Isaiah 42: 10-13, is a promise that God will come and conquer the enemies as we worship.

Then, there is this Sister Mary(if I not mistaken the name...Lol) came out and shared about her experience. She said this: "The moment when you do not have the mood to worship God is a great sacrifice to God". At the first I don't quite get what she meant, but after she shared further I started to understand. What I undertsood is that, when someone is really down or doesn't feel like doing it, yet he or she still worship God is one of the thing that pleases God. Perhaps this is the best time to praise and worship the God because God will look at the sacrifice been made by us. This is what amazing of our God: He takes the best out of the worst from us. I have to tell you this, during that night everyone turn to be a great worshipper to God. The whole church was full of praises and thanksgiving to God. Is like you standing in the presence and glory of the Father Lord.

So the night ended. I went to continue my night life. Lol , went to watch 2012 and overnight at friend's house. Then wake up early in the morning to settle some matters. Is a long story to tell but overall, I never really rest well during Friday and Saturday night. During each night of these two days I found and listened to this wonderful song named Awesome God by United Live. Is the first time I really listen and enjoy this song. Then I find myself have some trouble with the song lyrics but I was never really care. Here it comes the Sunday morning. I was so lazy to wake up. I was so lazy to take my bath and prepare to go to church. I even think to skip the Sunday service. Really felt like a burden during that time. However I still manage to negotiate myself to go. Then the van is late due to some problem. Well it frustrated me more as I am going to church.

By the time I reach the church, the service almost started. The worship leader already started with some prayers but yet I still not in the mood. I guess during that time all I was thinking is about what to do after service. So I settle myself down and join in the prayers. After a few minutes of prayers, the first song started to play. Out of sudden I was spiritually alive back and the first song was the Awesome God song. Wow. I left myself with no words but praises to God. Is like He knew what I am up to and use it to cheer me up back. That time I felt myself like so want to sing all out with all the strength all I have. Is like you want to be a football fan cheering victory when his team score the winning goal in a final game. Perhaps the feeling is more than that but I only able express in words to this far. Hallelujah God.

If I have to put this in a learning process, Thursday was like the lecture session and Sunday was the practical or lab session to practice what I what I have learnt. You see my friend, when you are really down and lost your spiritual passion, be strong and ask for the strength and empowerment from God. Let God know that though you are really down but you still want to worship Him because you want to make Him feel good. God feels good and loves to see His beloved children come together to worship and praise Him. Instead of giving up to our self-reluctant feeling, turn yourself to God for motivation. As we sing and worship God, it will strengthen our faith because of the words we sing declare the glory and promises of God.
No doubt Satan will always try to pull us down from worshiping God. Satan will try every possible ways to keep us weak. This is actually what I encountered during the Sunday morning. But as I worship, Satan is defeated. Now I really see the wonders of worship. It can serves as our spiritual strength, God's enjoyment and weapon to defeat Satan.



Awesome God

Our God is an Awesome God,
He reigns from Heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
Our God is an Awesome God.

Kaunselor Bukan Canselor

Pernahkah anda mendengar berita yang menyatakan kalau seseorang meletakkan kenderaannya di ruang tempat kereta orang lain dan dibuang negara? Ataupun anda ke pejabat bekerja, anda meletakkan kenderaan anda di tempat orang lain dan akhirnya anda dibuang kerja. Tapi hakikatnya pada pagi ini saya disampaikan khabar tentang satu kejadian yang mempunya similasi dengan situasi yang saya nyatakan di atas.

Pada Sabtu malam, kawan saya meletakkan van gereja di salah satu tempat meletak kenderaan di kolej kediamannya. Keesokan harinya, kawan saya mendapati sebuah kereta kepunyaan salah seorang FELO kolej kediamannya telah diletakkan di belakang van gereja dan menghalang van tersebut daripada bergerak keluar. Sedikit latar belakang kejadian. FELO merupakan "Pekerja" atau pensyarah universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman pelajar. Kononnya mereka merupakan orang-orang yang ditugaskan oleh pihak universiti untuk menjaga keselamatan dan kebajikan pelajar d kolej kediaman. Setiap seorang FELO mempunyai tempat meletak kenderaan masing-masing, jadi isu kekurangan ruang meletak kenderaan tidak pernah terjadi kepada mereka. Mengikut keterangan kawan saya, van gereja itu diletakkan di ruang yang disediakan untuk pihak pengetua kolej kediaman. Dia berbuat demikian kerana tiada tempat meletak kenderaan lagi yang kosong dan sudah agak lewat pada malam tersebut. FELO yang meletakkan keretanya menghalang van gereja pula dikenali Cik M (bukan pengetua). Cik M merupakan seorang "pekerja" univsersiti yang bertugas sebagai kaunselor di bahagian Hal ehwal Pelajar.

Van gereja itu mempunyai pelekat kenderaan pelajar universiti. Ini bermakna van ini telah mendapat kebenaran daripada pihak unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan universiti. Ruang yang digunakan van itu pula merupakan ruang untuk pengetua kolej kediaman dan beliau tidak mempunyai sebarang masalah dengan perkara ini kerana beliau jarang meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman. Pada malam Sabtu tersebut, selepas kawan saya selesai menghantar pulang rakan-rakan gerejanya, jam sudah menunjukkan pukul 11 malam dan dia merupakan seorang gadis.

Pada keesokan harinya iaitu Ahad pagi, dia perlu menggunakan van tersebut untuk membawa pelajar-pelajar universiti ke gereja. Semasa dia mendapati van tersebut dihalang kenderaan Cik M, dia dengan segera pergi mencari Cik M untuk meminta maaf kepadanya dan meminta agar kenderaannya digerakkan supaya van gereja dapat keluar. Mula-mula, Cik M enggan keluar. Selapas menunggu hampir setengah jam, Cik M akhirnya keluar berdepan dengan kawan saya. Dia mula dengan mempersoal kawan saya dengan beberapa soalan. Sepanjang sesi soal jawab dan teguran tersebut, kawan saya hanya dapat melayannya dengan senyuman dan ucapan minta maaf. Berikut adalah petikan beberapa soalan yang saya anggap agak lucu:-

Soalan Cik M: Tahukah kamu, pelajar-pelajar universiti tidak boleh memiliki kenderaan dan meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Kalau tidak boleh mengapa semua tempat meletak kenderaan boleh penuh? Kalau tidak boleh, mengapa pihak Unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan boleh meluluskan pemohonan pelekat kenderaan? Soalan telah ini menujukkan di manakah tahap pemikiran seseorang yang bergelar kaunselor di peringkat universiti. Ini juga menujukkan kelemahan dalam penyelarasan tahap pengurusan di dalam universiti.

Soalan Cik M: Kalau dah mampu memiliki kenderaan mengapa masih bergantung pada tempat tinggal di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Ya tak ia juga, kalau dah mampu mempunyai kenderaan patutlah mampu tinggal di luar kampus dan sewa rumah sendiri. Cik M saya sarankan soalan ini ditujukan kepada anda sendiri dan semua pekerja universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman dan memiliki kenderaan. Lagipun, pemberian kolej kediaman adalah berasaskan pencapaian kurikulum dan ko-kurikulum seseorang pelajar dan bukannya latar belakang. Pelajar pun tahu, tapi seorang kaunselor universiti tidak tahu.

Soalan Cik M: Kamu tahukah, kamu boleh dibuang universiti atas perkara ini?
Pendapat saya: Inilah bahagian yang paling lucu. DIBUANG UNIVERSITI KERANA MELETAKKAN KENDERAAN DI RUANG ORANG LAIN !!!! Cuba bayangkan anda membaca tajuk berita ini di akhbar. Cik M patut pergi ujibakat Raja Lawak Astro di 1Borneo pada Ahad hari itu. Nak ugut atau gertak pun biarlah berasas. Ini ugut jadi macam lawak pula. Sedarlah sikit, kamu ini kaunselor bukannya Canselor.

Kalaulah semua perkara ingin diikuti prosedur dan peraturannya tanpa budi bicara, pihak pengurusan sendirilah yang patut diteliti dahulu. Saya pernah nampak FELO tertentu yang menghisap rokok di kawasan universiti, menunggang motorsikal di kawasan universiti tanpa memakai topi keledar dan makan dan minum di pejabat kerja. Tapi apakah tindakan pihak universiti terhadap mereka? Di kejadian ini, bukannya soal salah siapa atau salah apa yang menjadi isu. Isu keselamatan seseorang pelajar universiti yang menjadi tanda tanya. Adakah kegagalan pihak pengurusan menyediakan tempat meletak kenderaan patut dirisikokan terhadap keselamatan seorang pelajar gadis? Tak payahlah semua kempen-kempen keselamatan dianjurkan kalaulah pihak universiti sendiri tidak meletakkan isu keselamatan sebagai keutamaan.

Sebagai satu komuniti universiti yang terdiri daripada pelbagai agama, kita haruslah saling memahami. Cik M patut tahu, yang pada Ahad pagi, masyarakat Kristian akan pergi ke gereja. Kalau anda memang ikhlas hendak memberi nasihat dan teguran janganlah sampai menyusahkan seorang pelajar daripada menjalankan tanggungjawabnya terhadap agamanya. Sebarang sesi teguran dan nasihat bolehlah dilakukan selepas itu. Dimanakah konsep 1Malaysia yang sering dilaungkan pihak universiti? Bagaimanakah konsep 1Malaysia dapat dicapai kalaulah tiada persefahaman di dalam universiti?

Sebagai seorang kaunselor, anda sendiri juga pernah menjadi seorang pelajar universiti. Anda seharusnya lebih memahami dan berfikir daripada perspektif pelajar. Hanya kerana anda pernah menghadapi kesusahan, tak bermakna generasi akan datang perlu mengalaminya juga. Jelas daripada kejadian di atas FELO ini hanya ingin menyusahkan pelajar. Anda telah diberi tempat meletak kenderaan sendiri tetapi masih ingin menyusahkan orang. Nak menegakkan keadilan kononnya. Kuasa itu diberi untuk menjaga kebajikan orang ramai dan bukannya untuk membuli. Tolong ingat, kebajikan kami pelajarlah yang menjadi ukuran pencapaian anda.

Kepada kawan saya, janganlah bimbang atas perkara ini. Kalaulah anda dibuang kolej kediaman atau dibuang universiti atas perkara ini, jelas menunjukkan Universiti Malaysia Sabah merupakan universiti yang be-krompomi dengan penyalahgunaan kuasa. Biarlah orang ramai yang menyaksikan bagaimana universiti yang dilaungkan oleh kerajaan sebagai tempat pembangunan modal insan ini melayan pelajarnya.

A MeSSage oF ApoLoGy

To start something new in your life was never really easy. We might have a lot of past issues that holding us back to move further. People always say let go of the past and move on. The words of God also taught us to forgive others on past occasions. We should forgive others like how the Father God has forgive us from time to time. At here I would like to share another perspective on moving forward.

Matthew 5: 23-26
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

What I understand from verses above is that, we must seek forgiveness and understanding from everyone. If we still owe something to someone, be sure we return it even it is just a simple word such as "Sorry". The parable of handling us to judge can be an illustration to what will happen in our life if we ignore the way we treat others. Literally the word "prison" in the verse can mean the punishment. But it also implies us the meaning of living in loneliness. If we stop to care about others feeling it will bring loneliness in our life. People might not longer share their true feeling with us and in some cases it might ended up in a broken relationship. We will remain in loneliness-"The spiritual prison" if we did not admit and "pay" our mistakes with apology to others. So start the first step by paying everyone in your life with an apology because it is the only way we can get back to our life. Always remember, life is more than just about we forgiving others but also we seeking forgiveness from others. Well simple as that, "Give and Take" . Praise God for such wonderful words from Him.

Well as God speak to me, I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry and apologize to everyone that I ever know and those around me. "I am sorry and deepest apology :-

• to you Lord, for everything that I done which against the words of you, Lord. Sorry Lord, for all the sins that I commit and "put" the pain on the cross on you again Jesus Lord. But it never cease you to love me even more. Thank you Father Lord for your continuous blessing, mercy, love, gift, strength and everything that you given to me and your promises.

• to my beloved and forever remember Mother "Mummy" for not being with you as much as I can during your lifetime. Sorry for all the sadness and tears that I ever put you through. Sorry for not being with you at the last moment. Sorry for every words from my mouth that hurt your before and every wonderful praises and thanksgiving that I fail to tell you. I just want you to know that you remain in my heart forever. If there is one thing that I can ask from to keep with forever from God, it would be everything about you, Mummy. Thank you for all the love and support for me from you. No words can define how meaningful and wonderful your present in my life. May you rest in peace in the presence of Lord and see you again when the time comes. I love you Mummy.

• to all my family members for not being a good example and carry out my responsible as a part of this family organization. Sorry for all the worry I put you all through. Sorry to my grandma "Mama" if I ever make you angry and worry about me. I just want say thank you for being with me from the moment I was born till now. To all my uncle's and auntie's thank you for your continuous support, care and love though something I am stubborn towards you all. Sorry to my brother "Titi" for not being good example to you. I am sorry for not taking you as my responsibility. Thank you, Lord for this shelter of love that you gave to me through my family members.
  

• to my dear Ng Kah Yee for all the tears that I put you in this relationship. I am sorry for being so childish sometime. Sorry for all the time I fail to care about you and put you in distance from me. Sorry dear. May our relationship will remain strong and together we grow in the present of God. After for more than 4 years we been together, I still want to say "I Love You".

• to all my school-mates, course-mates, team-mates, university-mates, hometown friends, brothers and sisters in Christ and all my Friends. If you ever wonder whether you are included in my apology, YES YOU ARE. If the initial of your name is between A and Z, Yes you are included. There are a lot of you guys that I wish to name it out here but sorry for not being address you guys one by one. This could me the most number Sorries that I have ever expressed. For all the moments in primary school, secondary school, Form 6, university, church, playing football, living in the same house, hanging out with each other and on all the stuff we participate together I believe there are times or somehow that I being a jerk and troublesome. If there is any particular event or thing that bring discomfort or irritant to anyone of you in particulary from me, please tell me. Let me have the chance to say sorry to you in person. Everything will change including our friendship but let it be the change from strong to stronger all the time.