Ray-Venue,...my site, my place

Blindness Wisdom

2012-01-08T22:03:00.004+08:00

It all started on last Wednesday morning when I was in the bus, travelling from my home to the place of work. In that morning, I saw a blind man waving for a bus from far. He just kept waving and waving as he never knew when the right bus is arriving. Every single bus that passes by will stop by him and tell him the details of the bus. Eventually he boarded into the same bus that I am in it. For a moment, I thought of that situation and asked myself that, if my life is hard how about the life these people ? If with a vision, active senses, hands and legs, I still call myself struggling in my daily life, what is the word for these people who have to move around during their daily life?

Two days later, Friday, on my way heading the bus that I supposed to board to get me home, I saw another blind man came down from a bus in the middle of the bus rail. The moment he stepped down from the bus, he started to feel the surrounding using his white cane as this the way how the blinded "see" the right direction. Spontaneously I went towards him and grab him by the hand and asked him "Where are you going ?". Then he answered "Pasar Seni LRT station." I took a glimpse at the way heading to the LRT station. Crowded, narrow and dangerous as the current building was under construction for the new MRT project. Only small wooden pass way was built to connect the train station with the bus stop. Is hard for me to describe here, but I can assure you guys that this is not the kind of so called "integrated stations" coordination that you guys expect to see in a developed city. So I've decided to guide the blind guy to the train station.

Another two days later, here comes Sunday. After such a long time never attended Sunday service in church, I finally attended my first Sunday service in the year 2012. This commitment is one of my new year resolution. So as like my previous Sunday mornings in church, usually the worship team will be preparing on the stage to lead the worship. At first, I did not realize anything special, but as the stage team is rehearsing it started to catch my attention. I came to realize that, today the worship will be lead by a group of fellowship called Agape. What so special about this fellowship was that from the singers and to the rest of the band, they all are blind. Throughout the worship session, they really amazed. They put out a great singing coordination as they knew when to sing which verse, the drummer give out a great beat, the bassist and guitarist can pluck and strum so perfectly, and the pianist played well. So I start to ponder on something.

As I look back at my life, though is not perfect but at least I am fortunate enough to see. Our daily struggle may be hard on us sometime but for them is even harder. With eye I also feel troubled how about them? Yet they choose to move on and make use on other abilities that given to them. As what mentioned by Jesus Christ in one of his parables in Matthew(25: 28-29) we are ought to grow with the talents given to us.

But does that mean God being tough on those people who are blind or handicapped? Certainly no. I still believe God loves every creation created by Him. Is just that God has different purpose on different person. Who we are and what we have always come with a reason and divine purpose as long as we believe in Him. Another thing is that, for all the senses we have, we are always subject to sin and vulnerable towards temptation. But to them, God choose to close one of the path in their life that might lead them to destruction. Is hard sometime to accept this message but try think about the time when we are fasting, ask yourself where you rather wanna be, an empty and restful place or a place where foods are everywhere? Yes exposure do make us wise but it also tempted us with devilish and selfish acts. By no mean, that God think that they are weak and not strong enough. God always knew these wonderful children of Him are stronger than they ever think and thats why He put them together with us in the same challenging world with something less on their side.

Ok But don't Over

2011-03-03T21:45:00.000+08:00

Argue but don't angry

Bid but don't bribe

Count but don't cheat

Drink but don't drunk

Expand but don't exploit

Faint but don't fake

Gain but don't greed

Help but don't hate

Joke but don't jerk

Love but don't lust

Own but don't owe

Open but don't offend

Plan but don't predict

Question but don't quarrel

Run but don't rush

Save but don't steal

Teach but don't tease

Cukup sudah........

2011-02-15T23:21:00.003+08:00

Sampai sini sahaja perjuanganku,
Cukup sudah laungan suara hatiku,
Tiada ertinya untuk aku terus berdegil dalam pergelutan maya ini,
Yang perlu difahamkan, telah pun dijelaskan,
Yang perlu ditujukan, telah pun dikhabarkan,
Apa lagi yang perlu dibuktikan lagi?
Tahap kecerdikan bukan lagi penghalang pengetahuan,
Tetapi kedegilanmu-lah yang menutup mindamu,
Namun segalanya tidak akan lagi menjadi duri di dalam dagingku,
Kerana aku telah menyedari kebenaran yang sebenarnya,
Iaitu kebenaran Tuhan.

Di situ kamu mengakui keagungan Tuhan Maha pencipta dunia,
Di sini kamu menjerit menuntut hak milik kamu ke atas tanah ini,
Adakah tanah ini bukan sebahagian daripada dunia yang dicipta Tuhan?
Di situ kamu menuntut ilmu bahawa manusia adalah sama di mata Tuhan,
Di sini kamu mengangkat tinggi seseorang, dan memijak rendah seseorang,
Adakah tinggi dan rendah itu pengertian sama di mata Tuhan?
Di manakah kebenaran di sebalik pengetahuan sucimu?
Diberinya mata untuk melihat,
Diberinya telinga untuk mendengar,
Diberinya minda untuk berfikir,
Namun,
Dibutakan pula matanya,
Dipekakan pula telinganya,
Dibantutkan pula mindanya.

Hanya satu identiti kita,
Iaitu manusia.
Hanya satu kebenaran kita,
Iaitu makluk ciptaan Tuhan.
Dan hanyalah satu kelebihan kita,
Iaitu dicintai Tuhan.
Kepentingan bukan lagi berasaskan
kepada siapa yang lahir di sini dan siapa yang datang ke sini.
Kepentingan itu seharusnya ditujukan
kepada siapa yang terabai dan siapa yang serba kekurangan.
Mengapa kamu masih sibuk menuntut kebenaran daripada manusia,
sedangkan kebenaran itu hanyalah datang daripada Tuhan?
Tidak akan lagi aku peduli akan segala tindak-tandukmu.
Tidak akan lagi aku memaki terhadap segala kesalahanmu.
Fokusku hanya padamu Tuhan.

Terima Kasih, Tuhan Yesus kerana membuka mindaku.
Di kala aku menghadapi kesukaran,
anda mengingatkan aku kesukaran manusia lain.
Di kala aku sedih akan kejadian yang meimpa terhadapku,
anda mengingatkan aku kesedihan yang turut menimpa terhadap manusia lain.
Di kala aku kecewa dengan kekurangku,
anda mengingatkan aku kekekurangan yang dihadapi manusia lain.
Ingatan anda bukan untuk aku membuat perbandingan, tetapi
untuk aku mencari hikmah di sebalik kesukaran,
untuk aku belajar menerima kejadian hidup,
untuk aku sedar akan kelebihanku.
Yang terindah,
Di kala aku melakukan kesalahan di matamu,
anda tetap memaafkan aku dan menerima aku semula.
Andalah Tuhan ku.
Amen

Hypocrites........

2010-10-16T20:25:00.004+08:00

I was so eager to go to Adam Lambert concert but I was disallowed financially. Then I came across a news that a group of "so called righteous Malaysian" wanna protest against the concert to be carried out. When I first saw this news the first thing came out from my mouth is, "What da hell, Again?...". I do not know whether is the same group of people or not, but to date, there are at least 5 incidents of protest to called off concerts in Malaysia involved name such as Avril Lavigne, Beyonce and Mariah Carey.

One of the Malaysia political party has once again launched a protest against an international singer who is coming to perform in Malaysia. This time is Adam Lambert. First of all, congratulation to the authority that allowed this protest to happen because you guys just showed the world that is ok for Indonesian to protest against Malaysia government and burned Jalur Gemilang. Secondly, you guys just showed the world that this is the way the people welcome international visitor. I do not know what will be improved from this but one thing for sure, Malaysia ranking on the "Most Ridiculous Country" chart is improved.

This party protest claimed that Adam Lambert is a gay icon that might bring negativity to the nation. So they determine to stop him from stepping into this country. Let me make this clear first. I am not a person who agree with gay or lesbian either. But my concern here now is that, is it the issue here is really about gay? As far as I know, this party in the past few years is having coalition with a few opposition political parties as their political strategy to fight against the ruling party. One of the party that they are working with is lead by a man who is currently being charged in the court of sodomizing another man. And they are ok with it? Let me make it clear for you, if a man is sodomizing another man, he is definitely a gay. But a gay will not necessary sodomize another man. So what part of gay that you protesters do not understand? As I said, the issue is not about the gay. Is just that these people wanna gain attention of the country to know they are really concern about the nation. Gay is never right in the law of nature. But at least gay people love will love their children(if they can have one). The gay won't do anything to hurt their children, and most importantly, the gay will never rape their own children.

As I said these people really prefer to waste their time holding some banners to protest rather than really go and cultivate their own people with more religious knowledge and faith of good behaviors. If Adam Lambert really managed to turn you people to gay, is also because of you people lack of spiritual values. To really know how prosper are you in spiritual and moral values is by overcome the
temptation, not denying it.

Let me give you people that claimed yourself "spiritual righteous " a point to ponder. In a case of two men who want to resist the temptation of gluttony. A man called 'A' is put in a room with no food or anything that can be consumed on. Another man called 'B' is put in another room which is packed with a lot of stuff that can be ate and consumed on. Both of them manage to resist the temptation by not eating anything in few days. But bear in mind 'A' is confined from food, and 'B' is exposed to a lot of foods. 'A' managed to resist the temptation is logically acceptable because even if he want to eat, there is nothing that can be ate. But for 'B', the success of overcoming temptation is the true success because even though he can eat the foods, he chose not to do it. This is because he hold strong to his spiritual objectives and discipline. Situation of 'A' represent the case of denying the temptation and 'B' is the case of overcoming temptation. With the wisdom and right mind of you that was given to you by God please judge yourself which of 'A' or 'B' has the true value of spiritual.

"A thief can live as holy as a priest if he is living in a world where there is nothing is worth to be stolen. But is the way of holiness that God wants from the people?"
Ray-2010-

Their Brand, Their Court, Our People

2010-09-28T21:25:00.002+08:00

Seriously I do not why Proton want to prevent 1Malaysia F1 Team from using the name Team Lotus. Let us put aside about the legal right first. Both seems to have right of it and it will be decided by UK court.

Proton as we know belongs to the government. And now the government is promoting the cultural of motor sport. Well why have to bring all the disputes to each other about the naming right.

Perhaps we as public will look at this matter in a very simple way. Tony Fernandes manage to turn Air Asia into a global brand. With financial crisis arise and yet to maintain low cost services, Air Asia still making profit.
How about Proton? In the world do people really talk about Proton car? Well if it yes, I guess condemning is also a way of talking. And many of us knew that how badly Proton has performed before where the government has to use the People money to support Proton.

So judge yourself who should have the right on Lotus. And most importantly what is the point of having it without making use of it for greater good.

Perompak dan pencuri

2010-09-24T09:55:00.005+08:00

Banyak yang telah diperkatakan mengenai sikap generasi kini yang yang tidak mengerti erti kemerdekaan. Secara peribadi saya juga berpendapat sedemikian. Saya bukanlah seorang saksi mahupun mangsa bagi perkara ini tetapi saya juga merupakan salah seorang "pesalah-pesalah" yang dimaksudkan. Keseriusan "kesalahan" saya adalah sehingga ke tahap di mana sambutan Kemerdekaan bagi saya hanyalah cuti rehat yang diberikan oleh pihak kerajaan. Pemimpin-pemimpin negara juga sering berharap sambutan Kemerdekaan pada setiap tahun dapat membawa kesedaran dan penghargaan kepada rakyatnya. Tahun 2010 sememangnya ada membawa perbezaan baru terhadap pandangan saya terhadap sambutan Kemerdakaan. Perbezaannya, saya sekarang mempunyai dua cuti rehat bagi sambutan Kemerdekaan. Saya sudah menyedari bahawa cuti sehari sememangnya tidak mecukupi dan mengahargai inisiatif kerajaan mewujudkan satu hari lagi cuti rehat dalam kalendar tahunan. Tahniah kepada pemimpin-pemimpin negara kita yang akhirnya berjaya mempupuk erti baru bagi sambutan Kemerdekaan tahun 2010.

Sering saya bertanyakan kepada sendiri mengapa saya tidak menghargai akan kemerdekaan dan kebebasan yang dapat dinikmati di dalam tanah air ini?

Tetapi....
adakah kita merdeka sekarang?

Kalau penjajah dulu bertindak mengeksploitasi negara ini demi kepentingan sendiri. Sekarang kita dapat lihat bagaimana kerajaan buatan kita sendiri yang terjebak dalam gejala rasuah mahupun tindakan-tindakan yang membelakangi nilai-nilai keagamaan, moral dan etika.

Memang adanya perbezaan antara penjajah dulu-dulu dan kerajaan negara kita pada hari ini. Perbezaannya adalah seumpama beza antara perompak dan pencuri. Dua sama hina cuma berbeza dari konteks kerja hina yang dilakukannya. "Perompak" dulu sememangnya secara terus terang merampas kekayaan orang demi kepentingan sendiri. "Pencuri" sekarang melakukan kerja-kerja kotor membelakangi orang demi kepentingan sendiri.

Jadi, adakah kita rakyat sendiri yang tidak tahu menghargai kemerdekaan, ataupun kerajaan sediri yang gagal mewujudkan suasana kemerdekaan di negara kita?

Independence does not mean to govern our own country, but to govern the country wholeheartedly and righteously. -Ray 2010-

Just wanna be.......

2010-09-21T11:40:00.002+08:00

Well I guess I just wanna be single for the time being. Stay focus in my life and set my sight straight on things I wanna to achieve in both of of my spiritual values and career.

Part 1

2010-09-20T16:00:00.004+08:00

Wow is been the longest 4 months I ever had in my life. Is also been sometime I did not do any posting on my blog. Is not that I do not have anything to write, but there are things that are never meant to be said on that time. If I were to put a word to generally describe this 4 months, it would be 'turbulence'.

First of all thank God for I have nailed my first job. I believe that there are more to come but I have committed to myself that the first offer received will be the one I am going for. I guess it is FCFS(First Come, First Serve) rather than BCFS(Best Come, First Serve). Still ponder about the offer but for mean time this is the one I am going to. Once I accepted this offer, it would be my daily job for at least the next 1 year, not to mention I got fired. Looking forward to start the first step of my career.

2 months back, I did write a post about what is happening in my life. But I removed it due to certain sensitivity issue. Reading back at the post, I see myself full of impatience-ness and anger which I feel so sorry on it. What can I say, the damage is all done and perhaps I am the who have brought the turbulence to myself.

So for now I hope to take this post too voice out something that I do not know how to converse it through my mouth.

To a person:
Sorry for unable to be committed to the relationship. Is just that myself that cannot let go of my past and someone who have been so significant in my life for the past few years. I really did fall in love with you and really do believe things can work out immediately for both of us. But deep inside of me still fail to let go of my past. I thought I am sorry for the pressure I brought to you from your family. Is not your fault but is me to blame for all this. So I hope that we can remained as best friend until things can work out for both of us.

To a person:
I did read your blogs. Sorry for all the damage I put you through. Is not that I choose not to msg you for this time but I was warned by many not to. I thought I can still concern on you without bothering about anything or what people might think. But it is not. It only turns worse. Maybe in your eyes and many that those concern are sympathy-based but deep down inside of me I knew is more than that.I do not care what people think or say because I know my heart very clear. Moreover I never expect you to understand me after all the damages I put you through also. I am not seeking your forgiveness but I just wish to voice out.

To a few persons:
I know hatred is inside you towards me. I can sense that too. Well but I am here to tell you I am not giving a single damn about it. My advice to you is look at yourself first before try to throw shit on me. Ya Mr/Ms Perfect, You know all about relationship, You honored every relationship you have, All you have done is only correct things in relationship. Then good for you. Maybe I do not know you yet or been knowing you for sometime, but if I do know you, try to think back and see that when you did something shit-ty, did I come and mess around with you? WHY SO CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE RIGHTEOUSNESS WHEN YOU YOURSELF DWELLING IN A SINFUL LIFESTYLE? This is my message to you. And please and please and please, do not tell me what to do? Do not come out with phrases like "If you are a man....." or anything towards me. Keep it for yourself.

Poem of pray

2010-05-23T21:02:00.006+08:00

How could I say you do not understand me Lord,
When you have came to this world before,
Not for a fame,
But as a man.

People may laugh when I am trusting in you Lord,
But Trusting in You Lord does not make me crazy,
Trusting in You Lord makes my life easy.

When life is not going my way, I will say,
"Without You by my side Lord, life may seems tough,
but with You by my side Lord, I will go through it with a laugh."

When I pray to you Lord for something,
Praying to you Lord does not simplify it,
but praying to you Lord, You multiply it.

How kind are you Lord,
I pray for your mercy
But what I get from you is the glory.

In life,
There is always a trouble,
But remember the blessing is double.

How great are you Lord,
The sadness of the world may because of you dying on the cross,
But the joy of the world also came from you dying on the cross, Lord.

I was created because,
I was not needed by you Lord,
But I was wanted by you Lord.

Lord I am sorry, Lord
You gave me the strength of a hardworking man,
You gave me the wisdom of a wise man,
But I fail just being a man to you.

I do not want to become holy by doing everything right to you Lord,
But I want to become sorry for everything that I've done wrong to you Lord.

May my talent be used for you Lord,
May my focus be on you,Lord.

Life without you Lord, is a mess,
Life with you Lord, is a bless.

Lord thank you for being in my life for always.
This is the poem of pray,
by me, Ray.

Ray 2010.

"Master" and "Guest" in Malaysia

2010-04-21T12:28:00.001+08:00

"You do not come to our place and question our rights. These "special" rights are reserved for us. You are foreigner. We already tolerate enough to let you stay and have a life here."

From the statement above, this is what I believe the opinion behind the nation of this country before the independence. Indeed it is true that, as a "guest" there is no right to interrogate the rights of the "master". The "master" is already more than considerate to allow the "guest" to be with them. The "guest" should be thankful enough for the fact that the "master" allows sharing certain of his belongings. Yet the "master" reserves the right on certain things and "guest" is not allow to question because it is the prerogative of "master". I get the whole idea behind this and it does make sense.

I found out very funny, after 52 years of independence, there are still some individuals who came and warn me about the metaphor of the "master and guest". The metaphor of this of coz still make sense but I believe the context behind the "master" and "guest" are already changed. Are the "guest" still the guest?

Let me put it in this way. When the first time you brought a girl or a guy back to your family, this person will be considered as guest. But after a relationship is built and you marry this person, will this person still be considered as the guest of your family? Most importantly, do the children from the marriage of you and this person will also be considered as a guest to your family?

Though the Chinese and Indians are not origin from this place according to the nation history, but things are different now. The children or the next generation of these two races are born and raised up here in this nation. So why these children are still be labeled as the "foreigner" in country they were born? These children obviously are not belong to the India or China. I personally felt so ridiculed by the fact that I am still labeled as the "foreigner" in my own country. I was born and raised in this country. Never single step of mine is out of this country. I can speak, write and read in Bahasa Malaysia better than most of the people today and even better than my own mother tongue. Yet I am still be denied by many of the rights in my own country.

In my opinion, if the government want to make 1Malaysia a reality, they should start to treat everyone as the same. Indeed we all are the same because culturally we are born and raised in the same environment. The problem is not the people dis-united but is the government that dis-unite the people by treating them differently.

16/04 for year 2010

2010-04-17T17:51:00.002+08:00

Today is my birthday. Another 16/04 in my life calendar. Wow, I am 23 dy. A figure that represent the duration of how long I already on this earth. However I would like to point out that this 16/04 for 2010 is kinda different for me. Why is it different?

Ever since I was born, 16/04 for me is a day where I get to receive gift from those around me. Other than this, is also a day where I get a reason to invite friends to home and have party. Well our party is not like those we watched in western movies, but more to like bbq, buffet stye or stemboat party. The focus is on the food and the gift. Of coz there are a lot of fun too but all is just the physical fun. I do not care who came or present, as long got people gather around and buy me some gift I am Happy dy. So childish me. Until I first came to university, the fun that all this while I thought was fun is fading away. I dun get to do party anymore, no more a stack a gift waiting to be unwrapped by me. Thanks to all my friends in university that keep the spirit of 16/04 celebration in my university life.

Things however went from bad to worse. My mom passed away in the year 2008. The departure of her in my life me had given me a reason to forget my entire life of 16/04 celebration. I told myself that, the person that brought me to this life is no longer here, so what's the point of celebrating it anymore? A person that works so hard every year during 16/04 just to make sure I am happy during 16/04 is already gone, so I guess for the coming 16/04 of every year, I won't be happy anymore. During my 16/04 - 2009 birthday, I rejected my friends’s invitation to celebrate with me. No matter how I still manage to have a small celebration during that day but is all with a hardened heart. The spirit and excitement of 16/04 was no longer in me. That was the moment when I lost all the sense of 16/04 in me. I started to look at 16/04 as just another day in the calendar.

However, during the year 2009 also, is the year I came to know a wonderful "person" named Jesus Christ. I also declared to accept him as a guardian in my life during year 2009. The day was 26th April if I am not mistaken. The journey with him in my life indeed has transformed a lot of things in my life. What I would like to share here today is the way of him re-affirms me the spirit of 16/04. I still remembered at the beginning of year 2010, I went to an island trip organized by my church. During that time, Chee Ho is doing some sharing. He got once mentioned something about the plan of God on someone even before he or she was born. He said that when we were about to be created to come to this world, God will spend His time writing about our life, choosing our parents, describe our physical body and many things else about us accurately and precisely. We were on God's mind and God does not take the process of creating or even the motive of creating us for granted. We were not made by left-over but as an all-over. So the day when we were born, was actually the day God put us into reality. So my perception towards 16/04 has been re-established and re-spiritualized. I do not know why, but it must be some reasons why God choose this day to start our life. No matter what's the reason is, it is still a reason to celebrate. Here I am now, on my 23rd 16/04 in 2010 with Christ in me.

There are many reasons why the 16/04 for 2010 is so special to me. Partially is because I have finished my final year project and presented it. The burden that already stayed in my heart for 1 year is officially been taken off on the day before 16/04. I believe that this is also a part of God's plan on how He wants to take this year 16/04 as something to celebrate on. If you guys know me, you should know how this final year project has depressed me. But with God's grace is all over. 16/04/2010 I will never forget. Why? The main reason is because, today I realized that there are so many people that really care and concern on me. God might have taken away a person that care so much about 16/04 for me in my life, but now He puts even more persons that care so much about 16/04 for me. I never felt so deeply touched by those around me, till this year 16/04 celebration. This is the first time I ever get to value the gift of sincerity, the gift of caring, the gift of warmness and the most valuable one, the gift of the heart from all my friends. I now realized that 16/04 is not just a day of receiving thingy or stuffy gift but most importantly is the day I was appreciated being a creation that God has placed me in the life of those around me. Here am I now in the 16/04 for the year 2010. I would like share the one day journey of my 16/04 here and personally say thanks to everyone that make this year 16/04 so wonderful to me.

I woke up at 11 something. That time my heart was so free. It was the first time ever in this semester I woke up without having FYP in my head. I suppose to have my industrial training briefing on 12pm but it was called off. Then I was invited by my roommate to 1B to celebrate with me. So he fetched me out and we went to Old-Town Kopitiam. Thank you James, Ah Bing and Francisca for the great opening of my day. Thank you for the cake and the gift from you guys. I love the cheesecake and the shirt given by you guys. Thank you ah, James, Bing and Francisca.

After that, I met up with my course mates, Siva, Ravi, Kavitha, Hema, Mages and Puvanna We gathered up at Hong Kong Recipe Restaurant. We have some chit-chat and then went for a movie. We even went to do some shopping to help someone on someone which I would not share here due to some undisclosed matter. Siva you know what I mean, LOL. However I would like to say thank to everyone of you for being with me throughout the day. Thank you for the drink, the movie and of coz the special “Arsenal” gift from you gals. I really like that gift. Thank you ah, Siva, Ravi, Kavitha, Hema, Mages and Puvanna for all the great time spent. So glad to have time to hang out with you guys before we graduate from our study here.

After the movie, I joined Kam Siang, Ah Chiu and Ah Tang to play pool. I personally want to say sorry to them because I could not spend more time with them though they are eager to celebrate with me. Bro’s just wanna say sorry for not being spend much time with you guys but I know the heart of you guys. Trust me, I felt it and it is enough to touch my heart even we manage to spend only one hour plus together. Thank you ah KamSiang@Maumin, Ah Chiu, Ah Tang and also to Kevin and Kar Ooi for the wishes.

At 6.30pm, Wai Wai came and fetched me from 1B. Together with all my EBS group mates, Vivien, Wendy, Eunice and Nicole, we went to a place somewhere in Sembulan to have dinner. Meeting us there were Kok Fung, Andrew, Stephanie, Sheren, Yong Guan and Joreen. Then Chee Ho who was just arrived KK from Sandakan joined us too. We have a great time here, taking pictures and of coz the official celebration of cake cutting together. From the bottom of my heart I would like to say thank you to you guys for taking me out somewhere nice and being together with me for the celebration. Thank you for the cake and everything. With the vocabulary level I am, really can’t express how much I appreciate it. Thank you ah Chee Ho, Wai Wai, Joreen, Kok Fung, Stephanie, Andrew, Yong Guan, Sheren, Vivien, Wendy, Eunice, and Nicole. And of coz to the official cake of my 16/04 for year 2010.

Then we went for another movie before we went back to our respective place. I would like to take this chance personally say thanks to Chee Ho, Wai Wai, Vivien, Wendy, Eunice and Nicole for the gift. For Nicole, thanks for the card too. Your message I will bear in mind. Thanks to everyone of you. Thank you Emmanuel Church.

Last but not least I would like to say a million thank you for every wishes from everyone out there thru SMS, Facebook and phone call to me. Thank you for making this year 16/04 so special to me. Thank you Lord Jesus for everyting. And Lord, I pray that your blessing will come upon to everyone around me.

The end of 16/04 for year 2010.

Same yet different.

2010-02-23T23:08:00.002+08:00

My flight has been announced delay. I guess it should be some mechanical problems with the plane. Whatever it is, thank God for the discovery. This thing can be fatal if gone through undiscovered.

Well I am still in the terminal. looking out to the glass in front of me, I was reminded the same place I use to be at the last two weeks. Is funny how a same place I used to be and I am now at can be total 2 different feelings and emotions. I still remembered last two weeks when I arrived at the terminal. I was so overwhelming with excitement of reaching at the airport. I do not know where am I heading next and pile up with multi-choices of ways to get to my next 'not-yet-decide-place', yet I am still feeling easy. Everything looks wonderful even with all the thinking I need to do. My luggage was delayed but it does not bother me at all. All I can think of is the joy and peace of coming back to this land.

Now I am here. The same place I use to be. I can't find myself anything to be overwhelmed. My emotions are mixed-up. The mental and physical burden is back now. Nothing in my mind that sounded nice to me. Everything is like a mess. With the delay, I felt worse now. All I can think of now is how to overcome the coming 2months+.

God I pray to you that towards my coming 2months I may find strength in you to carry on. May you pour out the blessing and peace into my heart in everything I do. Thank you Lord.

The greatest gift from my Mom

2010-02-17T23:25:00.004+08:00

It is the second Chinese New Year I did not get to celebrate with my Mom. Everytime I see my uncles and aunties sharing and laughing together, it reminds me of her. Is like missing someone in the picture of the family. Still remember how she wait for me back from friends house late at night during Chinese New Year. If anyone in my family found it unpleasant for my late return she will step out and defend for me. She will stay in my room and ask me hows my day, angpow collection good or not and chat up with me the whole night. Now when I come back late during Chinese New Year, everyone is asleep. I guess if I die outside or did make it back home also no one will realize.
"I miss you alot, Mummy for this Chinese New Year".

Today when I was attending my girlfriend's grandma birthday dinner, I can see the enjoyment of her family. Everyone sitting next to their beloved mother and laughing with each other. Her grandma was so happy on the stage accompany by all of her sons, daughters, grandson and granddaughters. During that moment out of sudden my teardrops flowing out from my eye. I am not sad or happy. I just imagine on something that me and my mom cannot share anymore. She will never get to celebrate her birthday anymore with me. "I am sorry Mummy for being unable to give u this moment of joy in your life before".

Today I was reminded by God on the greatest gift I have ever received. Two years back, I was 21st years old. In the cultural of mine, whenever a son or a daughter reaches 21 years-old, parent will give them a necklace or something significant as the sign of reaching maturity and adult. I still remember a moment during my semester break (about two months after my 21st birthday), my mom came and apologized to me because she fail to give me something during my 21st birthday. She cried and said that she is sorry for not making my 21st birthday something special in my life. That time I told her," Is ok. You already gave me the best of everything you had. " Necklace or no necklace you already made my life special. At the end of the conversation I still can sense the sadness in her. Then about two months later, she passed away. The day before moment she passed away, she speak to me through the phone with the last few words, "Dun worry boy, Mummy is ok". Today, my mom has gave me one of the greatest gift that I could ever ask for, a life. The death of her has lead me back to God. My mom has introduced God and Jesus Christ back into my life. She maybe failling in giving me something for my 21st birthday, but she has died to give me everything for the rest of my life. About 8 months after her death, I was baptized. I was blessed and found the true meaning of life. "Mummy, God has promised me that one day we will meet again. For mean time I will keep on growing spritually and this gift you have given to me I will used to bring glory to the God".

*If one I was called by God to step into politics, my manifesto will be bringing glory to God.

What should I do and how should I do it?

2010-02-17T09:34:00.007+08:00

Is funny sometime when people come to you telling you what to do and how to do on certain things. The way they put it on is like, if I'm not do it according the way they suggest failure is my only option. Nevertheless thanks for the concern.

It really does not bother me when things come as an advice to me as an alternative of improvement. I always welcome if people want to advise me. But what really make me can't find myself tolerate with, is when people trying to define me using another standard of another person. Is like every thing I'm about to do or I've done is bonded to this "human-made life marking scheme". I admit sometime I'm kinda rebellious in the sense of obeying the rules but to follow another standard by others is a definite rebellion. Just because others have done in this way, it doesn't obligates me to do it the same way. I am who I am and the only person who defines me is my creator, God. If others standard is to be used as the standard, life will be screwed up because people tend to live in the life that was never meant for them. If machines created by human is define uniquely by it purposes, don't you think human, one of the greatest creations by God is also define uniquely?

Why some people so bother about what happen in others life when the his or her is also a mess?

Matthew 7:3-4
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"

There is a story, when a guy AB and a girl CD first start a relationship, many of CD's friends came and warned AB to treat CD nicely, be serious in relationship and all the 'friends-would-say's warning to CD. As time goes by after 4 years, AB and CD still in relationship. But among their friends, many come-and-go relationships have happened. Is not that I am angry or what, but my point is be sure that the same measure you used on others apply to you too. So my advice, do not judged. For we do not know what tomorrow holds but we know who hold tomorrow, God.

Most of people I knew always inquire about how I treat my girlfriend. They sometime so concern about things that I did not do which by right every guy should do to a girl. Anyway this does bother me at all. How I treat her is bounded in our relationship. I do things for her is merely for her, not for anyone to see. I need not to announce everything I'm about to do to show the world how much I love and care for her. I have my own plan and way. It is same as the way I honour God. Few days ago, a friend of mine, ask me "Why I did not see you pray before you eat". Deep inside my heart I have only one answer, I pray to God is for God not for you to see. The same thing applies here. The direction of the heart matter the most. If we live so much on pleasing others, the real essence of relationship is no longer there.

Do not come and tell me what to do. You might have experience in dealing certain relationships, but when it comes to mine, I run my own show in my own way. For my standard is not u but me. Even worst is, some who never in relationship before also try to comment on me. Seriously asking, how good are u in handling relationship? If anyone out there think they are really great, my suggestion come and have a piece of my life then only tell me what to do.

Our life should not be define by others but God himself. Call me crazy or insane in trusting God but I tell you, I am still strong throughout the circumstances of my life till today is because of God.

The word "Ayah". I love this joke

2010-01-23T11:09:00.001+08:00

A man came home from work and his children ran to him and called out ‘Ayah! Ayah!’.

His neighbor got very upset and said to him, “Can you please tell your children not to call you ‘Ayah’?”

The man asked, “Why?”

The neighbor retorted, “Because my children call me ’Ayah’ too. They might get confused and mistake you to be their father.”

Then the man told his neighbour, are you not ashamed to say that your children do not know who is their 'Ayah'. So you are saying by using the word 'Ayah' ,your children will call me ayah too without knowing who is their father?

The neighbour said yes,only my children should use the word 'Ayah'.

The man said, then there is something wrong in what you are teaching your children.They are not sure and do not know who their 'Ayah' is !!

Alone, Lonely, and Loneliness???

2009-12-15T14:16:00.004+08:00

“Ray why you alone?”, “Why so lonely Raymond?”, “Do you know that you looks very lonely, Raymond”. Almost everywhere I went, I cannot help myself being asked by people around me for being lonely and alone sometime. Now I am staying in the campus hostel. Most of my friends are now at their respective hometown having their holiday. For some are staying outside together. My roommates himself also packed with activities and seldom see him in room. Really can sense the scent of loneliness around me now. Am I really a loner? I’ve been pondering on this matter also. Is not that I am not happy or sad, but of coz being lonely is not something I really enjoy.

So when I start pondering about why I am such a loner, I begin to look back at my life. Ever since I was born, I lived with my mother. I stayed under a same house with my mother, younger brother, and both my grandpa and grandma (parents of my mother). I only see my father once in a year because he works in Sabah. Things stay the same until the death of my grandpa. After he passed away, my grandma moves to KL and stays with my uncle. My grandpa passed away when I was 14. From that moment onwards, my home left only my mother, my brother and me. My mom worked as a nurse in private clinic. She works from morning till night. I only get to see her during night time. My brother and I have different school sessions. Whenever I am in the morning session, he will be in the afternoon session. So every day in my life, there is an interval of time myself being alone. Most of the time, I have to settle my own lunch and stayed alone in house. This is when I started to have loneliness in my life. I still remembered when I was form 5, my mom had a bad sick. She has to be sent to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) for a treatment and stayed in ward for about a month. My brother and I will take turn to look after and stay with her at there. Throughout that moment, whenever I was at home, I was alone. My father left my family when I was 18 years old. Then my mom passed away last year.

If you ask me when was the last time I have dinner or a meal with my family, I can hardly answer to this simple question also. Sometime looking at my friends around me, whenever they said “I got dinner with my parents” or “I am going vacation with my family”, and looking at myself back, I felt so pathetic of myself. I used to be very happy and hyper-excited whenever there is a break in my studies. Thinking of going back home and rest under the care of my mom was something very comfortable. She will tidy up my room, clean up the house and filled up the fridge with a lot of foods (in case I am hungry when she is at work). Being welcome home and long awaited by your mother to be back is such a wonderful feeling. But now, whenever comes the semester break, I lost the sense of excitement. My mom was no longer there to wait for me at home. Whenever my brother went to work, is all me being alone again. There is no difference anymore between my home and my place at hostel. Either of it, I can’t run away from loneliness. My mom used to be the one I always depend on whenever problem occurred. But without her by my side anymore, I can only find peace in myself when I was alone.

Sometime it really irritates me when someone calls me a social outcast for my tendency being alone. I do not blame you, if you are someone that roughly knew me but what makes me sad the most is when the “someone” is my friend that knew my family background. Is not that I want to be lonely or exhibit the loner characteristics in me but I just being myself. I just want to do what I felt comfortable at. Is just like, for some people, they can’t drive while wearing shoes. Is not that they are weird but is just the nature of them of finding comfort of doing something. I still hang out and making jokes around. Is just that sometime when come to certain activities that I am not into it, I just prefer to go back and relax. Try to ask me for football game and see, did I ever being a loner in it? Well, just because I prefer to do something I want or respond to something that I do not like, does it makes me a social outcast? If yeah, how about you come to have a little taste of my life and tell me how you felt? I am not angry or what, but I just expect a little more of understanding. I often heard from people around me telling me how lonely they and expecting something more. Seriously I do not know what to say when come to this. All I can say is, be grateful on what you had. There are others also having the same problem and misery as you do. The only difference is that, for some they choose to face with more optimist approach.

While I pondering on this matter, I came across a question, why sometime God allow loneliness to happen in my life? I used to constantly find reasons to blame on someone even God, on things that happen in my life. I am angry why He allowed sadness and loneliness in my life. But come to think about it, because of all these things that are happened, is how I get to know Jesus Christ and draw closer to Him. God allows loneliness to happen because sometime God want us to remember Him. He also wants us to know that, He is there always by our side no matter where we are. He offers us a chance to share with Him our miseries and problems through loneliness. Be frankly, how many of us will remember and think of God whenever we are having happily joyful moment? Of coz God does not want us to remain in the state of loneliness. He wants us to do fellowship and socializing with others. Is just, that He just wants to take a small fraction of our time to allow His words and present to inspire us.

The words of God are the reason why I am still strong to live on with my life. I know I can’t escape from sadness and loneliness. So instead of finding a reason to blame on, why don’t I take this moment to listen to His words and let His words motivate on me. I once went to a sermon given by Pastor Kong Hee in Kota Kinabalu. He said this “Do not focus on the problem itself but focus and remember the promises of God”, which I find it very true. The promises of God are the solution to all the problems.

The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”, Jesus said. John 14:18

“Surely I am with you always to the very end of the age”, Jesus said. Matthew 28:20

Know The History ..........

2009-11-19T17:07:00.009+08:00

I receive these pictures through a forward mail. The first time I saw all these pictures, I was doubted with the truth of this event. After some minority of searching works, I found that this event really occurred some place in Melaka back to 2008.

I was really angry when I first look at all these pictures. Everyone tries to live in harmony but yet there are still a bunch of people out there who want to mess up the whole situation and putting insults on others. For a moment, I was so self-perspective and started to have all this anger inside of me. From anger, the hatred came along.

I knew I was not suppose to have anger or hatred. So I settled down myself and put things into new perspective. Do not hate your enemies but love them. With this few words, my whole perspective and mind was changed. Well, if I hate them and put anger on them, what makes me so different from them? Does it makes me wiser? I laughed at myself for a moment and put things back to normal. Anger no longer in me. Hatred flee from me.

For me the whole event now is just an act of comedy. Well certain people try to get certain attention but they choose to express in the-not-so correct way. This not a racial sedition or anything to do with any politics. They are just confuse about the historical matters. Is just simple as that.

1) From one of the banner, it clearly stated "Mana orang Cina dan India semasa menentang Malayan Union". I can't help myself and laugh. I just answered to myself, "Orang Cina dan India masa itu tengah bekerja. Mereka perlu bekerja keras untuk menyara keluarga. Negara ini telah menerima mereka, jadi mereka hanya dapat membalasnya dengan memberikan produktiviti kerja yang lebih tinggi". Lol. Malayan Union was an idea from the Birtish Colony as a new form of administration for this country. This idea was greatly oppose by the Malays due to many reasons. One of the main reason is that the Monarchy of Malay Rulers are destroyed except in the religious matter. However there are few things I ponder in my mind;

Looking back to the histroy, who actually invites the Birtish into this country? What or who that gave the opportunity to the Birtish to step into the administration of the country that time?

During the British administration in this country, most of the people who work for government are who?

The Malayan Union was unsuccessful and the authority of the Monarchy of Malay Rulers remained. But why political chaos in the country and states, as such in Perak still happen? "A great power comes a great a responsibility?"

2) As far as I know, "Melayu" is a race and Islam is a religion. In our country we are well aware that the Islam is not allow to eat pork or to consume any non-Halal foods. I took one of this subject called Hubungan Etnik in my first year of my university's studies. The lecturer explained that throughout most of the area in South East Asia, people origin from Sumatera, Borneo, and Jawa are also known as "Rumpun Melayu". But not all of them are Islam. So if the event in the pictures voice out on behalf of their own race, the issue of pork should not be an issue because some of the people origin from the "Rumpun Melayu" are not Islam. But if the event in the pictures are voicing out behalf on the religion Islam, there are Chinese in this country who are also Islam? So if the race is the concern, why insult on your own "brothers and sisters" who shares the same originality? If religion is the concern, why insult on your own spiritual "brothers and sisters"?

So now we see that these people are just confuse and not clear about the history. I strongly would not suggest them to be arrested under ISA. Instead, send them back to secondary school to get some education on History.

aw-ESOM-e Worship & Awesome God

2009-11-16T22:36:00.005+08:00

This is my life's testimony on how God has revealed Himself to me again. The date was 14th November 2009. This wonderful spiritual reveal took place at Emmanuel Church, Kota Kinabalu during the Sunday Worship Service.

During the Thursday of that week, I was attending the Emmanuel School Of Ministry(ESOM). ESOM is one of the activity organized by Emmanuel Church to the students to learn more about God and making discipleship. Well maybe for next post I will share a little more about this ESOM with you guys out there. Coming back to that Thursday, the lesson of the day was about Thanksgiving, Praise Worship and Warfare. The speaker, Brother Sean share with us about the power of worship. This lesson taught me that Worship indeed is a very powerful "weapon" against our enemies. The words of God in 2 Chronicles 20: 14-29 potrayed the miraculous victory gained through worshipping God. If we look at Isaiah 42: 10-13, is a promise that God will come and conquer the enemies as we worship.

Then, there is this Sister Mary(if I not mistaken the name...Lol) came out and shared about her experience. She said this: "The moment when you do not have the mood to worship God is a great sacrifice to God". At the first I don't quite get what she meant, but after she shared further I started to understand. What I undertsood is that, when someone is really down or doesn't feel like doing it, yet he or she still worship God is one of the thing that pleases God. Perhaps this is the best time to praise and worship the God because God will look at the sacrifice been made by us. This is what amazing of our God: He takes the best out of the worst from us. I have to tell you this, during that night everyone turn to be a great worshipper to God. The whole church was full of praises and thanksgiving to God. Is like you standing in the presence and glory of the Father Lord.

So the night ended. I went to continue my night life. Lol , went to watch 2012 and overnight at friend's house. Then wake up early in the morning to settle some matters. Is a long story to tell but overall, I never really rest well during Friday and Saturday night. During each night of these two days I found and listened to this wonderful song named Awesome God by United Live. Is the first time I really listen and enjoy this song. Then I find myself have some trouble with the song lyrics but I was never really care. Here it comes the Sunday morning. I was so lazy to wake up. I was so lazy to take my bath and prepare to go to church. I even think to skip the Sunday service. Really felt like a burden during that time. However I still manage to negotiate myself to go. Then the van is late due to some problem. Well it frustrated me more as I am going to church.

By the time I reach the church, the service almost started. The worship leader already started with some prayers but yet I still not in the mood. I guess during that time all I was thinking is about what to do after service. So I settle myself down and join in the prayers. After a few minutes of prayers, the first song started to play. Out of sudden I was spiritually alive back and the first song was the Awesome God song. Wow. I left myself with no words but praises to God. Is like He knew what I am up to and use it to cheer me up back. That time I felt myself like so want to sing all out with all the strength all I have. Is like you want to be a football fan cheering victory when his team score the winning goal in a final game. Perhaps the feeling is more than that but I only able express in words to this far. Hallelujah God.

If I have to put this in a learning process, Thursday was like the lecture session and Sunday was the practical or lab session to practice what I what I have learnt. You see my friend, when you are really down and lost your spiritual passion, be strong and ask for the strength and empowerment from God. Let God know that though you are really down but you still want to worship Him because you want to make Him feel good. God feels good and loves to see His beloved children come together to worship and praise Him. Instead of giving up to our self-reluctant feeling, turn yourself to God for motivation. As we sing and worship God, it will strengthen our faith because of the words we sing declare the glory and promises of God.
No doubt Satan will always try to pull us down from worshiping God. Satan will try every possible ways to keep us weak. This is actually what I encountered during the Sunday morning. But as I worship, Satan is defeated. Now I really see the wonders of worship. It can serves as our spiritual strength, God's enjoyment and weapon to defeat Satan.

Awesome God

Our God is an Awesome God,
He reigns from Heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
Our God is an Awesome God.

Kaunselor Bukan Canselor

2009-11-15T19:26:00.006+08:00

Pernahkah anda mendengar berita yang menyatakan kalau seseorang meletakkan kenderaannya di ruang tempat kereta orang lain dan dibuang negara? Ataupun anda ke pejabat bekerja, anda meletakkan kenderaan anda di tempat orang lain dan akhirnya anda dibuang kerja. Tapi hakikatnya pada pagi ini saya disampaikan khabar tentang satu kejadian yang mempunya similasi dengan situasi yang saya nyatakan di atas.

Pada Sabtu malam, kawan saya meletakkan van gereja di salah satu tempat meletak kenderaan di kolej kediamannya. Keesokan harinya, kawan saya mendapati sebuah kereta kepunyaan salah seorang FELO kolej kediamannya telah diletakkan di belakang van gereja dan menghalang van tersebut daripada bergerak keluar. Sedikit latar belakang kejadian. FELO merupakan "Pekerja" atau pensyarah universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman pelajar. Kononnya mereka merupakan orang-orang yang ditugaskan oleh pihak universiti untuk menjaga keselamatan dan kebajikan pelajar d kolej kediaman. Setiap seorang FELO mempunyai tempat meletak kenderaan masing-masing, jadi isu kekurangan ruang meletak kenderaan tidak pernah terjadi kepada mereka. Mengikut keterangan kawan saya, van gereja itu diletakkan di ruang yang disediakan untuk pihak pengetua kolej kediaman. Dia berbuat demikian kerana tiada tempat meletak kenderaan lagi yang kosong dan sudah agak lewat pada malam tersebut. FELO yang meletakkan keretanya menghalang van gereja pula dikenali Cik M (bukan pengetua). Cik M merupakan seorang "pekerja" univsersiti yang bertugas sebagai kaunselor di bahagian Hal ehwal Pelajar.

Van gereja itu mempunyai pelekat kenderaan pelajar universiti. Ini bermakna van ini telah mendapat kebenaran daripada pihak unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan universiti. Ruang yang digunakan van itu pula merupakan ruang untuk pengetua kolej kediaman dan beliau tidak mempunyai sebarang masalah dengan perkara ini kerana beliau jarang meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman. Pada malam Sabtu tersebut, selepas kawan saya selesai menghantar pulang rakan-rakan gerejanya, jam sudah menunjukkan pukul 11 malam dan dia merupakan seorang gadis.

Pada keesokan harinya iaitu Ahad pagi, dia perlu menggunakan van tersebut untuk membawa pelajar-pelajar universiti ke gereja. Semasa dia mendapati van tersebut dihalang kenderaan Cik M, dia dengan segera pergi mencari Cik M untuk meminta maaf kepadanya dan meminta agar kenderaannya digerakkan supaya van gereja dapat keluar. Mula-mula, Cik M enggan keluar. Selapas menunggu hampir setengah jam, Cik M akhirnya keluar berdepan dengan kawan saya. Dia mula dengan mempersoal kawan saya dengan beberapa soalan. Sepanjang sesi soal jawab dan teguran tersebut, kawan saya hanya dapat melayannya dengan senyuman dan ucapan minta maaf. Berikut adalah petikan beberapa soalan yang saya anggap agak lucu:-

Soalan Cik M: Tahukah kamu, pelajar-pelajar universiti tidak boleh memiliki kenderaan dan meletakkan kenderaannya di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Kalau tidak boleh mengapa semua tempat meletak kenderaan boleh penuh? Kalau tidak boleh, mengapa pihak Unit Keselamatan dan Kenderaan boleh meluluskan pemohonan pelekat kenderaan? Soalan telah ini menujukkan di manakah tahap pemikiran seseorang yang bergelar kaunselor di peringkat universiti. Ini juga menujukkan kelemahan dalam penyelarasan tahap pengurusan di dalam universiti.

Soalan Cik M: Kalau dah mampu memiliki kenderaan mengapa masih bergantung pada tempat tinggal di kolej kediaman?
Pendapat saya: Ya tak ia juga, kalau dah mampu mempunyai kenderaan patutlah mampu tinggal di luar kampus dan sewa rumah sendiri. Cik M saya sarankan soalan ini ditujukan kepada anda sendiri dan semua pekerja universiti yang tinggal di dalam kolej kediaman dan memiliki kenderaan. Lagipun, pemberian kolej kediaman adalah berasaskan pencapaian kurikulum dan ko-kurikulum seseorang pelajar dan bukannya latar belakang. Pelajar pun tahu, tapi seorang kaunselor universiti tidak tahu.

Soalan Cik M: Kamu tahukah, kamu boleh dibuang universiti atas perkara ini?
Pendapat saya: Inilah bahagian yang paling lucu. DIBUANG UNIVERSITI KERANA MELETAKKAN KENDERAAN DI RUANG ORANG LAIN !!!! Cuba bayangkan anda membaca tajuk berita ini di akhbar. Cik M patut pergi ujibakat Raja Lawak Astro di 1Borneo pada Ahad hari itu. Nak ugut atau gertak pun biarlah berasas. Ini ugut jadi macam lawak pula. Sedarlah sikit, kamu ini kaunselor bukannya Canselor.

Kalaulah semua perkara ingin diikuti prosedur dan peraturannya tanpa budi bicara, pihak pengurusan sendirilah yang patut diteliti dahulu. Saya pernah nampak FELO tertentu yang menghisap rokok di kawasan universiti, menunggang motorsikal di kawasan universiti tanpa memakai topi keledar dan makan dan minum di pejabat kerja. Tapi apakah tindakan pihak universiti terhadap mereka? Di kejadian ini, bukannya soal salah siapa atau salah apa yang menjadi isu. Isu keselamatan seseorang pelajar universiti yang menjadi tanda tanya. Adakah kegagalan pihak pengurusan menyediakan tempat meletak kenderaan patut dirisikokan terhadap keselamatan seorang pelajar gadis? Tak payahlah semua kempen-kempen keselamatan dianjurkan kalaulah pihak universiti sendiri tidak meletakkan isu keselamatan sebagai keutamaan.

Sebagai satu komuniti universiti yang terdiri daripada pelbagai agama, kita haruslah saling memahami. Cik M patut tahu, yang pada Ahad pagi, masyarakat Kristian akan pergi ke gereja. Kalau anda memang ikhlas hendak memberi nasihat dan teguran janganlah sampai menyusahkan seorang pelajar daripada menjalankan tanggungjawabnya terhadap agamanya. Sebarang sesi teguran dan nasihat bolehlah dilakukan selepas itu. Dimanakah konsep 1Malaysia yang sering dilaungkan pihak universiti? Bagaimanakah konsep 1Malaysia dapat dicapai kalaulah tiada persefahaman di dalam universiti?

Sebagai seorang kaunselor, anda sendiri juga pernah menjadi seorang pelajar universiti. Anda seharusnya lebih memahami dan berfikir daripada perspektif pelajar. Hanya kerana anda pernah menghadapi kesusahan, tak bermakna generasi akan datang perlu mengalaminya juga. Jelas daripada kejadian di atas FELO ini hanya ingin menyusahkan pelajar. Anda telah diberi tempat meletak kenderaan sendiri tetapi masih ingin menyusahkan orang. Nak menegakkan keadilan kononnya. Kuasa itu diberi untuk menjaga kebajikan orang ramai dan bukannya untuk membuli. Tolong ingat, kebajikan kami pelajarlah yang menjadi ukuran pencapaian anda.

Kepada kawan saya, janganlah bimbang atas perkara ini. Kalaulah anda dibuang kolej kediaman atau dibuang universiti atas perkara ini, jelas menunjukkan Universiti Malaysia Sabah merupakan universiti yang be-krompomi dengan penyalahgunaan kuasa. Biarlah orang ramai yang menyaksikan bagaimana universiti yang dilaungkan oleh kerajaan sebagai tempat pembangunan modal insan ini melayan pelajarnya.

A MeSSage oF ApoLoGy

2009-11-13T23:54:00.013+08:00

To start something new in your life was never really easy. We might have a lot of past issues that holding us back to move further. People always say let go of the past and move on. The words of God also taught us to forgive others on past occasions. We should forgive others like how the Father God has forgive us from time to time. At here I would like to share another perspective on moving forward.

Matthew 5: 23-26
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

What I understand from verses above is that, we must seek forgiveness and understanding from everyone. If we still owe something to someone, be sure we return it even it is just a simple word such as "Sorry". The parable of handling us to judge can be an illustration to what will happen in our life if we ignore the way we treat others. Literally the word "prison" in the verse can mean the punishment. But it also implies us the meaning of living in loneliness. If we stop to care about others feeling it will bring loneliness in our life. People might not longer share their true feeling with us and in some cases it might ended up in a broken relationship. We will remain in loneliness-"The spiritual prison" if we did not admit and "pay" our mistakes with apology to others. So start the first step by paying everyone in your life with an apology because it is the only way we can get back to our life. Always remember, life is more than just about we forgiving others but also we seeking forgiveness from others. Well simple as that, "Give and Take" . Praise God for such wonderful words from Him.

Well as God speak to me, I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry and apologize to everyone that I ever know and those around me. "I am sorry and deepest apology :-

to you Lord, for everything that I done which against the words of you, Lord. Sorry Lord, for all the sins that I commit and "put" the pain on the cross on you again Jesus Lord. But it never cease you to love me even more. Thank you Father Lord for your continuous blessing, mercy, love, gift, strength and everything that you given to me and your promises.

to my beloved and forever remember Mother "Mummy" for not being with you as much as I can during your lifetime. Sorry for all the sadness and tears that I ever put you through. Sorry for not being with you at the last moment. Sorry for every words from my mouth that hurt your before and every wonderful praises and thanksgiving that I fail to tell you. I just want you to know that you remain in my heart forever. If there is one thing that I can ask from to keep with forever from God, it would be everything about you, Mummy. Thank you for all the love and support for me from you. No words can define how meaningful and wonderful your present in my life. May you rest in peace in the presence of Lord and see you again when the time comes. I love you Mummy.

to all my family members for not being a good example and carry out my responsible as a part of this family organization. Sorry for all the worry I put you all through. Sorry to my grandma "Mama" if I ever make you angry and worry about me. I just want say thank you for being with me from the moment I was born till now. To all my uncle's and auntie's thank you for your continuous support, care and love though something I am stubborn towards you all. Sorry to my brother "Titi" for not being good example to you. I am sorry for not taking you as my responsibility. Thank you, Lord for this shelter of love that you gave to me through my family members.

to my dear Ng Kah Yee for all the tears that I put you in this relationship. I am sorry for being so childish sometime. Sorry for all the time I fail to care about you and put you in distance from me. Sorry dear. May our relationship will remain strong and together we grow in the present of God. After for more than 4 years we been together, I still want to say "I Love You".

to all my school-mates, course-mates, team-mates, university-mates, hometown friends, brothers and sisters in Christ and all my Friends. If you ever wonder whether you are included in my apology, YES YOU ARE. If the initial of your name is between A and Z, Yes you are included. There are a lot of you guys that I wish to name it out here but sorry for not being address you guys one by one. This could me the most number Sorries that I have ever expressed. For all the moments in primary school, secondary school, Form 6, university, church, playing football, living in the same house, hanging out with each other and on all the stuff we participate together I believe there are times or somehow that I being a jerk and troublesome. If there is any particular event or thing that bring discomfort or irritant to anyone of you in particulary from me, please tell me. Let me have the chance to say sorry to you in person. Everything will change including our friendship but let it be the change from strong to stronger all the time.

Kebajikan kami, Pencapaian anda.

2009-11-10T02:40:00.007+08:00

Raja memerintah dengan kuasa naungan,
Segalanya berlandaskan akal dan minda,
Kami bukannya "maha-banduan",
Kebajikan kamilah keutamaan anda.

Pantun di atas ingin saya tujukan kepada pihak Hal Ehwal Pelajar Kolej Kediaman E, UMS. Maafkan saya kalau terdapat sebarang kesilapan dalam pengunaan struktur ayat atau tatabahasa. Namun tujuan pantun ini tulis adalah ingin mengingatkan anda semula tentang tanggungjawab anda terhadap pelajar-pelajar yang menghuni di Kolej Kediaman E.

Pada minggu lalu, saya dikhabarkan dengan satu pengumuman yang menyatakan semua penghuni di kolej kediaman E dikehendaki mengosongkan bilik masing-masing semasa cuti semester ini. Mengikut pengetahuan saya, perkara ini adalah susulan hasrat pihak HEP yang ingin menyediakan tempat tinggal bagi peserta-peserta bagi satu acara sukan yang bakal diadakan pada cuti semester ini. Yuran RM5.00 sehari juga akan dikenakan sekirannya pelajar ingin terus menggunakan bilik kediaman.

Mengikut tradisi, pengosongan bilik hanya akan dilakuan pada setiap pengakhiran sesi pembelajaran iaitu setahun sekali. Ini adalah kerana setiap pemohonan untuk mendiami di kolej kediaman adalah untuk tempoh satu sesi pembelajaran. Ya, saya faham bahawa terdapat acara yang akan berlangsung dan tempat tinggal harus disediakan untuk tetamu-tetamu, tetapi jumlah itu hanyalah minoriti. Berdasarkan kapasiti yang sedia ada, perlukah seluruh kolej kediaman dikosongkan? Mungkin setiap rumah hanya satu bilik yang perlu dikosongkan dan tidak semua penghuni akan terjejas. Penghuni yang terjejas juga boleh menumpangkan benda kepunyaan mereka di bilik sebelah. Pihak HEP banyak kerja sangatkah sampai tidak boleh membuat perancangan ini? Orang luar diberi keutamaan dan penghuni-penghuni jagaan anda diabaikan. Bak kata pepatah "Anak di pangku dilepaskan, anak beruk di hutan disusukan". Tolonglah, sedar sedikit tentang kebajikan siapakah yang harus anda utamakan. Setiap tahun diadakan pengundian dan pemilihan JAKMAS tetapi kebajikan diabaikan.

Peraturan dan etika di kolej kediaman juga merupakan salah satu isu di sini. Penghuni-penghuni di kolej kediamaan sering diberi amaran(sampai ada yang dirampas kad matrik) untuk tidak berseluar pendek di kawasan kolej kediaman. Kalau pendek sangat itu saya fahamlah bahawa itu dah keterlaluan. Tapi yang menghairankan seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut juga dilarang. Saya sangat betul nak tanya ini kepada pihak HEP, sangat tak senonohkah kalau seseorang itu memakai seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut? Itu juga anda kira seksi? Mana lebih tak senonoh, berseluar panjang yang ketat sampai nampak bentuk kaki atau seluar pendek yang melepasi paras lutut yang longgar?
Kalau seseorang itu pakai seluar pendek pergi ke kafe atau pejabat HEP bolehlah diterima kalau dia diberi amaran. Tetapi yang nak keluar ke bandar atau tempat lain yang memakai seluar pendek juga ditahan pihak HEP. Siapakah anda untuk menghalang hak pemakaian orang? Ini merupakan cerita benar dimana pernah sekali kawan saya yang baru balik daripada bandar berseluar pendek menunggang motorsikal disoal pihak HEP. Seluar pendek yang saya maksudkan adalah yang melepasi pihak lutut. Kawan saya menjelaskan bahawa dia balik dari bandar tetapi dia terus diberi amaran. Tidak munasabah langsung.
Mengapa isu pakaian ini saja yang dipandang serius? Bagaimana pula dengan isu seperti merokok di kolej kediaman dan isu kebersihan kafe makanan? Jangan anda kata anda tidak tahu. Selaku pelajar, saya seolah-olah tengah diberitahu bahawa merokok di kolej kediaman bukanlah isu besar. Di luar sana, kerajaan bertungkus-lumus menghapuskan amalan merokok, tetapi di dalam sebuah universiti kerajaan isu ini hanyalah isu remeh. Tunggak pendidikan negara kononnya.

Kad matrik merupakan satu-satunya identiti pengenalan kami di dalam universiti. Kad matrik boleh diumpamakan seperti kad pengenalan bagi seorang rakyat di sesebuah negara. Kalaulah Polis Diraja Malaysia hanya boleh sekadar memeriksa dan menyalin maklumat kad pengenalan kami dan tidak berhak merampas kad pengenalan kami tanpa arahan makhamah, apakah hak pihak HEP untuk merampas kad matrik pelajar?

Akhir kata, bukanlah untuk mencabar atau menjatuhkan sebarang pihak tetapi ini merupakan suara pendapat saya. Kalau benarlah hanya menjalankan tanggungjawab, pastikan di manakah keutamaannya. Sila pastikan peraturan dipatuhi anda dahulu sebelum memastikan orang lain mematuhi peraturan. Penghormatan hanya dapat dikecapi melalui teladan yang baik dan bukannya penindasan atau membuli. Bak kata pepatah " Raja adil raja disembah, raja tak adil raja disanggah".

This Is How it Started.... ARSENAL

2009-09-03T12:21:00.024+08:00

ARSENAL
The new season on all Europe elite leagues has started. Well the season of excitement come back again. At least every weekend meet up friends also has something to talk about. Mamak stall finally have the business back on the track. New jersey of respective team can be seen everywhere now. Feel so excited. LOL
Another year, another season. Well same wishes like every other season, I wish Arsenal will blah...blah...blah...... . Seriously I really blah....blah....blah a lot for Arsenal dy. But for for the past 5 years I really tired dy. High hope on every beginning of season, disappointment in every end of season. LOL.

The journey...Arsenal
I first started to watch football was during 1999. That time I was 12 year-old and start to get into this sports. Well, I still remember the first time I play football was during a PJ(Pendidikan Jasmani) lesson. That time I scored a goal and felt so excited about it. (No wonder cannot become professional lah, 12years liao only started to play, Ryan Giggs 12 year-old already signed by Man. Utd......LOL)
During that time, the whole world of football is about Manchester United. Win Treble, got David Beckham, blah...blah..... . Wonder why I did not became Manchester United fans? Actually is the nature of me that resulted me as Arsenal fans. I want to be different from others. That time everyone and and everything is all about Manchester United. So I go for Arsenal, a rare supported top team. I watched their game for the first tme through telecast and Oh gosh, that fella Dennis Bergkamp is formidable. So I really got into their playing style and games. This was how a prototype of Arsenal supporter was formed. LOL. From that time onwards, football is everything to me. I played football almost everyday of my life. Sometime even curse the weather for raining because cannot play. LOL. Me and my friends gathered and formed a small amateur football club, AAFC (I will cover on that next time). We will come together and play together every evening. I still remembered there was a time when my friend damaged my poster of Thierry Henry, Arsenal, I ended up fighting with him. LOL (Mo Siong don't do that again liao,LOL). Every Monday worried about going to school when Arsenal lost, and walked like a King when they won. Debates all the time about how great is Arsenal.LOL. Even the way of myself playing football was fully influenced by the Arsenal style. I love to learn how they play and no doubt Thierry Henry was the one I admired most. As an Arsenal supporter for almost 10 years, I have since the up-climb, peak and down-fall of Arsenal. I seen them won trophies, players in and out, players retired, development of players and disappointment. Is a complete taste of football already that you can ask for (Not to mention club bankruptcy and club relegation <---- Wooi Kuun and Tham is for you, LOL).

Throughout all these time, I can categorized Arsenal squad into three generations.
When I first supported Arsenal, 1st generation , the players were Tony Adams, Lee Dixon, Silvinho, Kanu, and Nicholas Anelka. This generation I have not much to remember because, during that time most of them are either almost retired or some of them did not committed enough and left the club. But there are still some like Ray Parlour, David Seaman and Denis Bergkamp that are well recorded in me.

The 2nd generation, I shall named it the Legend generation. During this generation, the players were Freddie Ljungbeg, Robert Pires, Patrick Vieira, Gilberto Silva, Ashley Cole, Lauren, Sol Campbell, Kolo Toure, Jens Lehnman, Sylvain Wiltord and the "Genius" Dennis Bergkamp. Did I missed out anyone, LOL, Of coz the Thierry "King" Henry. This generation is where most of the success of the club were made under the "Master-Mind" Arsene Wenger. They were once called "The Invincibles"

The 3rd generation were the growing stars, new faces and youngsters. Most these players develop themselves at Arsenal and some are through Arsene Wenger brilliant scouting and evaluation that brought them in through transfer. This generation are also the current Arsenal squad. With the departure of Kolo Toure, marked the total 3rd generation of Gunners. A few names of 3rd generation, Cesc Fabregas, Robin Van Persie, Gael Clichy, Emanuel Almunia, Nicklas Bendtner, Carlos Vela, Aaron Ramsey, Theo Walcott, and many more. Famous name like Andrei Arshavin, Eduardo Da Silva , Samir Nasri and William Gallas (Controversy with Ashley Cole) are those well spotted transfer by Arsene Wenger that make immediate impact to the squad. During the build of new generation, there were some names that used to be a part of Arsenal but due to temptation they left for good. Some of them are doing well and some are doing bad after leaving. Those name I would reckon Alexander Hleb, Mathieu Flamini, Jose Reyes, and Emmanuel Adebayor.

Looking back as an Arsenal supporter, the first proud moments came during the season 2001-2002 where they won the FA Cup and English Premier League. The additive of this sweet moment was that the English Premier League champion title was claimed at the home ground of Manchester United. Then the 2nd consecutive FA Cup winner at the following season. After that season came the most historical success that Arsenal has ever achieved and the world see the best of football in Arsenal. Winner of Barclay's English Premier League 2003-2004 without beaten by any other teams in the league for the entire season. This unbeaten run was extend to 49 league games consecutively. Imagine not losing to any team for 49 matches running (At least no worries of being laugh by other supporters for 1 year. LOL). I think the current Barcelona or Real Madrid also cannot do it. The next season Arsenal won the FA Cup again. So the up-climb and climax peak part are over. Now come the down-fall. After winning the FA Cup in 2005, Arsenal did not won any competition until now (Not to mention pre-season cup). The closest they came was during 2006 where they were beaten in the UEFA Champions League final by Barcelona 2-1. That was actually the first time Arsenal in the European Champions Final (Not to mention UEFA Cup final on 2000). So the waiting still goin on. After a few years of emptiness in the trophy cabinet, I hope they will win back something this season. Arsene Wenger no longer have excuses. They are no longer youngsters. So for this new season of 2009-2010, I hope Arsenal won't left me with another disappointment. I pray hard for it.

Ray@HenRayes@ArshRayvin

To a friend....Sorry

2009-09-02T18:00:00.004+08:00

Is kinda weird I say sorry to a friend of mine through blog. Lol. Sounds gay but i guess we both are just too man to confronted each other to know the story behind. Is not a conflict actually,but is just a frustration that I can sense. I am here to admit that is totally my fault and problems. Sorry bro, CY.
When I first step up to this place(UMS), still keep my dream to establish myself as a St John Ambulans member back. No longer just another member but become a qualify officer. After those pathetic moment at my place, I really wish to come here and establish myself back and prove to them I can survive without you guys. "St Anthony, St John Can Survive Anywhere". Most of my friends should have known what happened last time. Not a proud story to share, but a warning to those political minded demons (that claimed to be life saver) that do not simply step on people "tail". History.....
So I came here and thinking how could this work out for me again. For your info, St John Ambulans at here UMS were not well establish yet. With dream comes hope. I meet this guy CY. He is a St John members too. He also got a bit frustration from his previous area in St John Ambulans. So we share our idea of bringing this thing back alive to both of us again. Things work out kinda slow at first, but at last it shows some progressive growing. He works really hard for it and really at that moment I felt that , finally I can achieve what I suppose to be after those undivided devotion that I gave out during my secondary school time. Everything work out quite fine for us in bringing our dream back again. What I appreciate the most is when he told me that he want both of us to hold those higher rank offered. All of his hard work, he still got include me in his plan. Thanks alot bro.
Sorry is all I can say, is a God's calling. As a Christian, I really wanna to become a growing Christian. I just accepted Christ and I want to live in His way now. I do not know what is happening but I guess God speaks to me. Now i really want to committed to my Church. I get all this messages to stay away from all my pride and serve the Lord. I started not to attend meeting and try to avoid him. I remember there was one time he told me tonight got meeting, I end up going to church for a camp committee meeting. He called I do not want to answer. Then all the activities that we've been planned to bring members to St John, I did not attend, instead I went to CF and join church activities. I do not know how to speak to him now but I know he got frustrated of me dy. Well he even tag me as "aeroplane person" in a photo of our coursemate. LOL thats really funny.
CY, just wanna say sorry for all the messed and problems I put in at the last minute exit. I really wish to achieve what I dream of but is not my will to be done, but His will. So I pray that you will find success in bringing St John Ambulans to UMS and achieve your dream. You deserve every credit of it. Sorry and thanks alot bro. ~ Ray Chow

I ask for the Best, I get the Best but I never give the Best

2009-09-02T10:59:00.002+08:00

Now I am 22 year-old. In the final year of my studies. Another year less I'll be going into the working environment. Thank God as I manage to make it through over the past few years. Is not the way that I want it to be but based on what I have did I truly believe God has work out the best for me already. As a student, getting to stay inside campus, get to choose own room, nice housemate and roommate, laptop, broadband, enough financial support from family, friends and buddies,...blah....blah.....blah..... I really thank God for all the grace and blessing He gave to me. I ask and I pray, He will either say Yes or Wait (or No if myself also felt ridiculous of it). God really gave me the best for me and I have received the best from Him.
What I concern the most about myself now is, how best have I gave out? I would not say I am those with smart and brilliant mind but I knew He gave me a great mind n wisdom. With what I received, and I had, I supposedly doing much better at where I am now. Final year project pending, assignments delayed, lab works building up, left out in studies, and absentee to classes. This is where I am now. Laziness is my cultural, relaxation is my priority. Pathetic Ray. I know all I need to do now is stay focus in my study only. Such a simple task I also fail to accomplish. My family try their best to support me because they want to take away my worry from me and with the hope that I can stay focus. But I failed. I really disappointed them, especially my grandma. I am sorry. Ever since Mom passed away, Grandma is the one who replace my Mom to me. She will try her best o fulfill my needs and requests. I knew that all of them been really nice to me. God blessing to me again. But I did not try my best to do what am I suppose to do. All I want is to relax and having fun now. How could I be like this? People all around me giving out their best to make sure I have the best but I just use the best I have to become worse.
I just wanna say that I really stress out this time. The fear is building up inside me. I do not how to start now. While I am writing this post, my mind still blank with I suppose to do......

To my Dad

2009-06-21T01:22:00.000+08:00

Happy Father's Day? This day was never in my life anymore.Ever since 2005 i did not see u anymore. I don't know why u rather let your pride and your anger to take over you than the love of our family. Why you have to make everything seems like no way back? Why our family have to go until this way? Is this what you want? You know how I felt when I have to witness my own father left us and my mother passed away. You don't know. Not even a moment in your life.

At that moment I know everything seems like going against us. You got stroke. Mom got heart disease. We faced financial difficulties. But why we can't we stay together and overcome it together. Mom never gave up. She knew she is sick but yet she never gives up on brother and me. Yet she still love all of us with all her heart. She went to work to support the family. She is tired but yet the smile on her face will always be there. But why U have to be so irrational. Why everything that happened u need something or someone to be blamed? In our family you are the eldest, the one with the most taste of life but why u never be the example to us. I still remembered what happened the night before you left us. You, mom and brother went for supper. I was sleeping because I got class the next day. Early in the morning, about 3am I heard noises someone yelling and drove away the car. I awake ask mom what happened and she told me your father was angry with your brother because he did not want to eat vegetable. I say WHAT? After a week, it was Chinese New Year. It was the first day of Chinese New Year. I went to find you and beg you to come back to us. Forget everything and start all over again. No one to be sad in the first day of CNY. But yet you are so stubborn. U never want to listen. You just want to make everyone to have a gloomy CNY. I tell u i was really sad that time. The first time ever in my life I celebrated CNY without my both parent together with me.
A week later, I was in friend's house. Out of sudden I received a call from brother that you were back into home and beat mom. I rushed go back and I saw you holding helmet. I go in without hesitation push you away and take a knife chased you out from the house. I knew you are angry with me because I was acting disrespect to you and push you. But let me tell you this, in my whole life that time i will never ever tolerate anyone who hurts mom. Not even you Dad. You are a man. You are hurting a sick woman. And she is your wife. No doubt being rude to a father is wrong but hurting my mom never makes you my father. I did felt sorry for my act that night but i still cannot accept the fact that you hit mom. You said there was a guy outside the house and accused mom having affair with him. I told you already I knew that guy and his been the friend of mom, brother and me. You completely out of your mind already that time. You even accused mom having affair with uncle just because he was there to stop you from beating mom.

You asked me why I sided on mom and never on you. Is not about which side i support but is the fact you are wrong. First, no matter how righteous and innocent you are but once you beat mom i cannot tolerate. Secondly, from beginning till end is only you are the one who acting unreasonable. How u expect me to sided on you. Thirdly, if i really sided on mom is also a decision of me to make. From the day I was born, I was raised by mom and her family side. You also knew how troublesome your siblings and grandma, the mother of you. Always giving hard days to mom. I never ever tasted even a single molecule of love from the truly CHOW family of mine though I am CHOW too. But it never bother my mind at all because I knew my mom loves me more than anyone she ever do. Give me a reason for me to stand on your side please. I was born with CHOW surname but I was raised by the LEE. What i knew about my CHOW family is anger and hatred. But I was educated by LEE. This is where i received love.

You accused mom having affair. You say people told u many shits about mom. Let me ask u this Mr Chow Kar Eng, Are you rather listen to those outsider than your wife and both of your son.? You say u never believe in them but why you still accused mom. Why the things you say and the things you do is not the same? Ask yourself who is truly love you and your family? Are those outsider or us? Ask yourself also how many affair and disloyalty you've been having during that time you at Sabah. Even till one day when I was kid U brought the woman back. Don't give me excuses of all these shits. I have my eyes to see and my brain to think what you did. But does Mom ever leave you and the family. Think la old men. I really pissed off when i have to come to think about this.

After so many things happened, Mom really disappointed on you. She is sad I can tell you this. But yet you still trying to give her hard time from time-time. Threatened her. Make her scared of you. Let me tell you this in case you don't know. Mom never scared of you hurting her. She just worried about both of brother and me. The main reason she afraid to divorce with you is because she worried you might bring your anger to both of her sons. She is sick but yet she have to live in the worries. Not because of herself but her son. That time I just finished my form 6 . I told Mom that time I might not get offer to further my studies. She ask me to find college and enroll first. Just in case if did not get any offer. You Chow Kar Eng, u know how burdened to support a son to study in college with salary around RM800 monthly. But she did not complaint or say no to me. But Thank God I got offer from local university. She was so proud and try her best to get me there. Where are you that time? Every expenditure from sending me to college, buying my university's necessity, air flight tickets and everything she try her best and gave it to me. Any single cent from you? Any single encouragement from you? You still call yourself a father of mine?

When I was in University, one night mom called up me and told that u came. She said she dare not to let you in. Then after a few days later u called up me and said that the wife of you did not let her very own husband go into house. I tell you this. Is my idea to ask her do not let you in. She is just a woman. U hurt her once. You still expect her to let u come near. Then you start to threatened me to all those out of mind things. You say you will hurt her or maybe even killed her if have to. Whats the point of you saying those things? Trying to show us that you are a strong man. That time I told you wait me come back and have a talk in a nice way. I just do not want you to do anything to mom and brother. But u still threatened us. I really just pray nothing will happened.

But now and forever I would not have my family back again already. Because Mom has left us. The one that I loved and loved me the most is no longer with me. She had suffer alot. She had to suffer with he sick and look after me and brother. And you from time time keep on bringing her fear and worries. WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT MR CHOW KAR ENG!!!! She died because she is too sad of you. During her funeral you never even came and her pay her last respect. SHE IS YOUR WIFE. Where are you that time? You told aunty that you are sad. Why you sad? Why u try to kill her and on the other hand you are sad? WHY!!! Now thanks to you I will never have parent for Chinese New Year celebration for the rest of my life.

Every single expenditure of Mom's funeral is from Mom's siblings. You never spent a cent also. You know how hard is that time for me.
I was in my second year. I have my own financial instability for my studies. Then i have to come back and handle my mom's funeral. Did i ever ask from you? But Mom left her EPF and her savings for both of us brother. Before even she passed away, she got told me that the EPF savings has named me and brother as the beneficiaries. Because she insisted those money is for us in the future. But when we went and checked the system said no naming has be done yet. Mom's death has already left you with the benefits from SOCSO where you can receive RM 300 over every month till you die. I am not entitled to get this because i already over 21 years old. brother can only receive rm 100 something every month before he reach 21 years old. What else do you want? All of these things you get just because she haven't divorce with you in black and white. I never even question or try to stop you having those benefits. But deep inside your heart Mr Chow Kar Eng ask yourself, do you really have the right on those money? But why you have to create so many difficulties to me. Now I need to do is to get those money in Mom's EPF and savings out. And i need you to sign a document for me. Just like that. Once i collected the money I will still divide a portion of it to u because you are entitled to it legally. You promised you will but now u say dun wan to sign anymore. You blamed me go and do the procedure and written a letter in front of the Commissioner of Oath without your permission. First of all why do i need to get your permission. This is mom belongings is not yours. Who the hell you think you are? Secondly everything i written in the letter of the Commission of Oath is true. Indeed you really quarrel with mom and left family and did not contact us. I still got keep a copy of that letter. Come and read it out loud and i will testify every words inside of that letter with the truth. The savings is what Mom's last wishes on both of her sons. She want us to have that money because she knew that was the best she can ever gave to both of us brother. Every single expenditure of her funeral from the coffin and the land to buried her, everything is from the effort of me. You did not even spent a cent and now you wanna come and ask for your part. Are you still a man?

Every father in this world try to give their best for their son. They love their son more than anything. But I don't know why you will envy of your own son. You told me after mom death u did not get anything. How about those SOCSO benefits you get? WHAT DA HECK ARE YOU SAYING?!!!

That day you called up me and told me all the old stories. How mom did badly towards you. I am angry but yet still stay calm. I have accepted Christ. I did want to have argument with you. Mom already no longer in this world. As long I knew love her and everyone in this world that she have touched on will remembered of her is already enough for me. I beg you as a son to ask a mercy from you as a father to sign. But you push to the limit. You said u will come back and whack me even kill me if have to because I being rude to you. Mr Chow Kar Eng , if u are reading this blog please keep in mind now. Last time I am afraid you because of Mom. But now she is no longer i need to worry because She is with my Lord now. 10 years ago if u threatened to hurt i might fear but now please do not test my anger. Remember we share the same blood. The anger and strength in you are also in my blood. I am stronger and free now. Now as i say I am living in God's way. I will not use violence against you. But please i beg you DO NOT TEST MY ANGER. You are 49 years old now. I am 22. Do not think that you are still strong and dominance on us. The only person I fear now is God and My Lord Jesus Christ.

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil"
Psalm 37:8

Life without you........

2008-09-25T16:21:00.000+08:00

Is been almost 7 months I did not heard your voice. The last time I saw your face was 8 months ago. With all of this sudden all I can say is I really miss you. I don’t know what to do but to picture and revise back all the memories that we had before. Those memories are still very fresh in my mind, is just like it were happened yesterday. I know the fact is I will never see you again in my life but I believe we will see each other again sooner later in somewhere called our “Real Home”. Deep inside my heart I knew that u never want leave us but sometime there are some decisions that were not meant for us to make. In life, everyone will be assigned a special task by ‘HIM’ to be accomplished. I believe you were sent by ‘HIM’ to be a mother. Someone who will always put her children and family priority before herself. Someone who will never stop loving and caring for her children. Someone who will take sacrifices as a blessing. For me, you are the person who is always there for me no matter what. An everlasting source of love for me. With you by my side, everything is possible for me and nothing seems impossible. All you’ve done for me for the past 21 years will remain as the most precious “gift” I ever received. The only thing I will regret for the rest of my life is I was not by your side when you have to leave us. I never told you how much I love and care about you. I am sorry. The moment you have to leave me was the hardest moment I ever had in my entire life. I knew that you never gave up on us but there is just a special “call” that you need to answer. I promise you I will live this life in more meaningful way and I’ll never forget you till we meet again. I will look after brother as the way you care and love him. A part of you will always be with me. Thank you for everything Mummy.
GOD, I just want to say my Mum has been living on her purpose of life and completed her task well. Throughout her life, she been fighting with heart disease, family financial problems, and conflicts, but none of these gave her a reason to give up on us. She took it as challenges and tests from YOU. She shows me that this whole life is all about YOU because LOVE is YOU. Thanks for sending Her into my life. Nothing is greater than YOUR Love , my LORD. Please make her by your side and tell her that I will always love her. Amen.
Beloved Mum,
Linda Lee Lay Hwa